Mystery Guest Alert

My Undermining

2008-03-01T19:17:00.003Z

It's the type of guest who has been a pain all night, isn't listening to what you're saying, and just won't accept that this isn't how things are done.

It's a time when you are playing it by the book because you know it will be difficult and you don't want management to have any reason to question your actions.

It's the type of supervisor who will bend over backwards because they don't want someone raising their voice to them...

...and will then scarper so you're left dealing with the guest for the rest of the night, who will think you don't know how to do your job and will make the next few hours of your shift hell.

I used to have this happen all the time when I worked on the bar. The guest refuses to acknowledge what you're saying, won't accept they're wrong and you're just doing you're job. The supervisor then makes them think they're right (THIS IS DANGEROUS), and that you're an idiot who doesn't know the procedures and policies of the hotel as well as they do, leaving you to deal with the consequences.

On the plus side if the guest continues to be a pain, you can go and see the supervisor's supervisor and tell him exactly what you think of the supervisor and why.

Irritatingly, on nights I now have to deal with an absent supervisor, courtesy of hotel guest relations and a 24hr telephone hotline.

Now, the guest who is being a chore can ring a guest relations operator who will bend over backless regardless of the problem, and duly ring me to tell me to do whatever the guest wants. Complimentary goods run rampant.

Don't get me wrong, I don't usually play things completely by the book. It is a GUARANTEED way to irritate people who would overwise be quite easy to get along with. However, there are some people you just cannot do this with...

...and at times like this you just have to remotely disconnect the phone in their room.

My Valentine's Day

2008-02-17T20:18:00.002Z

Joy of joys, I had the dubious privilege of working this Valentine's Day.

On a personal level, I'm not too bothered by this. My girlfriend told me she didn't want to take it too seriously and so didn't want a large fuss. This was clearly a lie, but by working Valentine's Day I managed to juggle my days off to match hers so she's happy (because now I can make a bigger fuss over it).

On a professional level, I don't like working Valentine's Day. And here's why;-

Men

a) No matter how sexy your partner thinks you are, I really don't want to see you at reception wearing just a bathrobe - Because she's wrong

b) If you insist on having drinks in the bar before retiring to your room for the main event of the evening, WAIT TILL YOU GET TO THE ROOM!! - It's difficult to keep a straight face whilst being told by an elderly couple that someone is getting 'frisky' in the bar

c) If you insist on hiring someone for the night, I don't want to become involved in your little games - Telling me that someone will come to the front desk and ask for T-Rex is just wrong

Women

a) All of the above - Why do you let him behave this way?!

b) If you're going to get in a fight with your partner, please don't sit in reception crying - Sit in the bar, hopefully it will make everyone else go to bed

c) Please try to maintain a civil volume - Enjoying yourself is one thing, waking up the rooms on either side is another

Sexist and stereotypical I know, but the results don't lie...

My Interview II

2008-02-08T13:31:00.000Z

A while ago I wrote about carrying out interviews for new staff. Having now searched for and found a new job, I thought I would share my view of the flipside - Going to interviews.

a) If I am underqualified for the position, why bother calling me for an interview? Surely you could have gathered this from my CV.

b) I don't care if you don't call me to let me know if I got the position or not, unless you specifically said you would. Touch irritating.

c) I don't really mind where the interview takes place, however I think it a little inappropriate to do it in the bar when some old man is celebrating his 80th birthday and there are children running around screaming their heads off.

And my personal favourite.

d) If I have driven 45 minutes to come to this interview, I would appreciate it if you asked me more than 2 questions (one of which was, "Is there anything you'd like to ask me?")!

I have never before had an interview that lasted 3 minutes (and that was dragged out whilst I finished my tea).

I then had to drive back through rush hour, so it works out as;-

Interview Time - 3 Minutes

Driving Time - 1 Hour 55 Minutes

I was not amused.

My Secret

2008-01-31T13:58:00.001Z

Ah bless, word has filtered back to me about a little incident at my previous hotel.

Apparantly, at around 3am, my replacement received a page telling him that someone was at the front door. When he opened it, 2 very skimpily dressed young women rushed in. They were chatting excitedly, until one of them looked at him and said;-

"Wait, you're not D! Where's D?!"

I would like to say there is a tawdry story to go behind this, but unfortunately there's not. The 2 women were friends of mine from university who would come in from time to time after parties to use the cigarette machine.

That said, I see no reason to explain this to the hotel. I'd rather let them use their imagination on this. Keep it my little secret...

My Absence

2008-01-26T01:30:00.001Z

Ah, a prolonged absence, I know.

I'd like to say I've been busy. I have been on holiday, and I have been taking exams as part of my university course. However, this does not mean that I have been busy. In truth, I have been remarkably... UN-busy. You see...

I quit.

I quit my job at the hotel and due to 'anonymity's sake' have to leave posts somewhat haphazard to protect myself.

Oh well, I will post about my new job soon. Be warned, I will be working nights again, so it will be much the same... Drunken idiots, sleep deprivation, creatures of the night, etc.

See you soon!

Oh, that reminds me, I need to pick up my stuff from the hotel. I think I left some garlic and stakes in the office...

My Face

2007-12-10T22:35:00.000Z

Another hard week at the hotel. Weddings everywhere, and not a bag of change in sight. Silly reception manager...

There's a saying going round the hotel that you can tell how long someone has worked there by looking at their face. The more bags under the eyes, crows feet, and stress lines on the forehead, the longer the term of service.

One of the bar staff informed me that I look like a zombie. I scare him when I appear in the hallways or behind the bar - It helps that I wear mostly black and walk VERY quietly.

Go figure.

My Misunderstanding

2007-12-01T18:11:00.000Z

Wow! It's been a long time since I've posted, but I have returned from my holiday!

The most useful phrase I learnt whilst being away, was the Hungarian for "I don't understand". Strangely appropriate therefore, that when I return to work I witness the funniest misunderstanding I've seen in quite some time.

2 receptionists are due on duty as we have a lot of check-outs, but one of them has called in sick. As a result, I am staying on for a couple of hours just to cover the peak departure time and relieve some of the pressure from the remaining receptionist.

I have just finished up on reception, and am in the lobby telling a guest who has just checked out that her taxi has arrived. The morning duty manager, who has only just arrived on shift and has not been informed of our sick receptionist or my continued presence, walks over and says, jokingly I might add;-

"What are you still doing here? Go home!"

The guest I am speaking with turns and looks at her appalled, till I address the guest with;-

"Oh, don't worry, she's speaking to me, not you!"

I don't think I will ever forget the look of embarrassment on our duty manager's face as she realised what she had just done. Priceless.

P.S. Hungary was lovely, people all very nice, but bloody freezing!

My Tiredness

2007-11-07T08:41:00.000Z

Apologies for the lack of posts, but as the title of this post suggests, I've just been really tired. My sleep pattern has gone completely out of the window, and whenever I do manage to get to sleep, it's really erratic.

Let me explain;-

I usually finish my shift around 8am, go home, and go to sleep. I wake around 1-2pm, and get up. This way I can actually do something with my day, and I have a vague semblance of a social life. I then return to my bed between 7 and 8pm, and sleep till 10:30pm. I get up, shower, and dash to work in time for my 11pm shift start (got to love being male - it only takes me 8 minutes to get fully dressed and ready. My female flatmate on the other hand has to get up an hour and a half before her shift to be able to prepare).

Recently however, I have finished my shift at 8am, gone home, and not been able to sleep. I eventually drift off around 10am, and sleep till 3pm. This is just late enough, that when I try to sleep again around 8pm, I cannot. However, it does make me nice and tired for my shift. When I finish the shift though, it's the same story. I cannot sleep.

On the plus side, I have a few days holiday coming up and should be able to recharge. I hear Hungary is nice this time of year, and I'm currently learning some phrases to help me chat to women (might as well try).

Till then, I suppose I'll just have to get used to being exhausted, and hope I don't fall asleep on shift.

That said, is it a problem if the only manager/employee present at the hotel during the night is asleep?

My Daylight Savings

2007-10-29T17:40:00.001Z

Congratulations to everyone who enjoyed their weekend, and particularly loved that extra hour that they could spend in bed! Or alternatively, were able to stay up partying for even longer! What a fantastic invention 'Daylight Savings' is!

However, amidst your celebrations, spare a thought for us night workers. People like myself and the 'Night Warden'. People who, instead of having an extra hour in bed or partying, spent an extra hour AT WORK.

My job is irritating enough, without having to spend an extra hour at it!

A colleague at the hotel told me not to worry, that in 6 months time I'll have a shift shortened by an hour as 'Daylight Savings' comes round again.

True, however I'm betting that based on sod's law, this will occur on a day when I really need time to catch up with all my work!

Anyway, mock if you will, but bear in mind one thing....

WE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO WATCH OVER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP

My Sleepwalkers

2007-10-25T17:42:00.000Z

Interesting article in the Telegraph today about hotels and 'Sleepwalkers'. Apparantly hotel staff are being given specific training on how to handle sleepwalking guests. Most noticeably, naked, sleepwalking guests.

I seem to recall I've touched on this in the past, but I really can't face going back through my posts to find out which one it was in!

Anyway, I thought I'd recount the training I received from the former night manager on what to do upon finding a naked sleepwalker/naked 'hallway sleeper'.

1) Go to the nearest housekeeping closet, and fetch a set of towels - Do this before waking the guest (minimises embarrassment on their part)

2) If they are lying down, cover them with the towels - Again, this minimises embarrassment (unfortunately, if they are walking, there's not a lot you can do!)

3) Attempt to wake them by making a loud noise close to their head - This ties into the 'dead' wake-up procedure (it's not uncommon for a guest to take a swing at you as they wake)

4) Establish whether or not the guest is drunk - This is usually quite obvious

5) Check your Guest Sheet, and find out which room the guest is staying in - If you're not carrying your Guest Sheet, YOU'RE AN IDIOT!

6) Let the guest into their room with the master key - Again, if you're not carrying the master key, YOU'RE AN IDIOT!

Finally, some general points:-

a) KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE
b) AVOID STARING AT THEIR... AREAS
c) WISH THEM A GOOD NIGHT

and, finally, finally

d) WASH YOUR HANDS!! - Who knows where the guest may have been....

My CV and Interview Advice

2007-10-20T18:05:00.000Z

In the Independant recently, there was a supplement about how to write a good CV, and what to do when turning up to an interview. Having now conducted more interviews than I've actually been invited to, and read CVs more times than I have updated mine, I think I am now qualified to cast an opinion on the issue.

With that in mind, here are my top tips for when you decide to update your CV, or for when you have an interview:-

a) CV - Only put down what is relevant - I know you've always wanted a career in the music/film/catering industry, and only want a job as a stop-gap to earn money and keep the wolves from the door, but please, don't actually put it down in writing - My advice? Write 2 CVs, one aimed towards your dream profession, and one for everyone else. When hiring a night auditor, I really don't care that you've been playing piano since you were 12 and have been a roady at 'V Festival' for the past 3 years.

b) CV - It sounds obvious, I know, but please, include your actual phone number - I'm not so desperate to hire you that I'm going to scour the yellow pages.

c) CV - Include at least one reference. It doesn't fill me with confidence that you have no one to vouch for you - Oh, additionally, when you are requested for a reference as a result, do not give a fax number - On top of being useless, it just makes me think you don't know how the phone works.

d) CV - Do not try to be cute or wacky, especially when applying for a position in management. Yes, it's very clever that you've managed to include on your CV a digitised coffee ring, imported into photoshop and layered over the top, however, it looks so unprofessional I actually had to study it for a good 5 minutes because I couldn't believe someone would really think it beneficial

e) Interview - Always arrive before the interview is scheduled. I would recommend 5 minutes at least. Strangely, if someone turns up ON TIME, I'm vaguely disappointed already.

f) Interview - On the note of punctuality, if you are running late, call the interviewer ahead of time and inform them. I can actually forgive being 30 minutes late for an interview, ASSUMING YOU RING AHEAD AND GIVE ME A REASON.

g) Interview - I know that if you decide you don't want the job, there is no point turning up to the interview. I understand this. I also realise that at this point it doesn't matter what the interviewer's opinion of you is. However, as a note of courtesy, INFORM THEM YOU AREN'T GOING TO TURN UP! I have wasted 2 full days because of this - (I know that an interview only takes on average between 30 minutes and an hour, but I work nights. The fact that I've woken up mid-day has already screwed with my sleep pattern and internal clock)

h) Interview - Dress appropriately, especially if you are applying for a position in management. I don't necessarily expect a tie, but please.... PLEASE.... JEANS*$%#! In what sense is this a good idea?!

i) Interview - I know we've only spoken on the phone for a few minutes, I know we've only been sat down for a little while, and I know I've only told you my name twice, but a word of advice... REMEMBER IT! Especially as I'M WEARING A NAME BADGE!!

j) Interview - Never refer to me as DUDE. Or GUY. Or MATE. I shouldn't have to explain why...

k) Interview - Just a few general points to round off. Do not appear:-

1) Nervous
2) Bored - Yawning? Checking your watch? Never a good sign!
3) Fidgety
4) Horny - No matter how confident you are, WINKING at me, is not going to make me want to hire you!
5) Sleepy - I know I'm not fascinating to talk to, but falling asleep in your chair... Do you think it makes you seem more employable?

I apologise for the slight 'rant', but I am getting really close to the end of my tether. I have no staff and am currently working every night because no one is qualified to cover. I think I need a holiday... or a sabbatical... or to be institutionalised...

My Interview

2007-10-15T19:35:00.000Z

Unhappily, the night team is short staffed at the moment and it falls to me to interview and hire new staff.

Why 'unhappily'? Ask yourself this:-

What kind of people do you think APPLY for night work?

I have interviewed almost a dozen people. They ranged from:-

a) A Hungarian who could barely say yes or no
b) A Slovakian whose previous jobs had only lasted a maximum of 2 months
c) A German who turned up 30 minutes late despite living opposite the hotel
d) A South African who asked me if it was possible to work only 2 nights a week instead of 5
e) An Englishman (who I hired), who worked 4 shifts and then handed in his notice saying the work was too physically demanding
f) A Spaniard who turned up wearing scruffy jeans and a T-shirt (sorry, it's just not that impressive when applying for a position in management)

And I think the creme de la creme:-

g) A French woman, who told me that she saw dead people

Seriously?!? Is this an accurate representation of the current workforce available?

I'd like to hear from anyone else who has had some interesting ones...

My Pager

2007-10-10T13:40:00.000Z

I think I'm harboring a growing sense of resentment towards my pager.

Let me explain, as I am the duty manager at night and there are usually no other staff members around, I am given 'THE NIGHT PAGER'.

The Night Pager will go off if the doorbell is rung.

And if someone calls the hotel externally.

And if someone rings reception internally.

And if someone calls the night phone.

And if I'm covering the bar.

And if I'm dealing with a difficult guest.

And if I'm taking luggage to a guest's room.

And if I'm doing a security walk-round and am on the other side of the building.

And if I'm preparing/delivering room service.

And if I'm asleep.

And if I'm really not in the mood.

Okay, so it's only the first 4, but regardless it's a massive pain in the arse.

Anyway, I've come to the conclusion that it is in fact alive, and intelligent. It waits, and then chooses the most inappropriate time, so I end up running the length of the hotel.

It's crowning achievement was a couple of weeks ago, when during a wedding night, within the space of an hour, it went off 6 TIMES!

Each time, when I was on the other side of the hotel! And the final time, when I was breaking up a fight!!

I might have to take it apart, just to show it who's boss...

My Abandonment Issues

2007-10-06T13:07:00.000Z

On Al's blog 'Life On A Roll Of Film', he posted about scratchcards, and in the comments what was abandoned at kiosks was expanded - I think aggressiveadmin, who blogs on 'Working at Food Place', came up with the most disgusting item left at a kiosk...

Anyway, I thought I'd post about the things that either get handed in to me, or that I find whilst walking round the hotel at night.

On one wedding night, I had handed in to me:-

1) A scarf
2) A mobile phone
3) A purse
4) A dinner jacket
5) A bow tie
6) A bunch of flowers
7) A tiara

And,

8) A shoe...

A shoe. How do you lose A shoe?! Both shoes, yes. But surely you'd notice if you lost A shoe!

However, the strangest thing I've found, was whilst I was checking the ladies' toilets at the end of the night.

In one of the cubicles was a pair of panties. A 'used' pair or panties... and a price tag.

Now, from what I can gather, someone has gone shopping and bought a pair of panties. They have then gone to the ladies bathroom, put them on, entertained themselves, and then taken them off and left them there for someone to find...

Some people have strange fetishes...

Any other theories that would explain this?

My Falls

2007-10-02T21:26:00.000Z

Flicking through blogs, I came across Pizza Hut Team Member's post on clumsiness and general falls while at work.

My personal experience from working at the hotel is that the kitchen floor is LETHAL. What little grip I manage to get on it whilst wearing my walking-shoes is instantly negated by the inevitable puddle left for me by the kitchen porter.

Usually, when I feel myself begin to slip, I can either 'ride-it-out' or grab onto one of the metal counters to steady myself. However, this was not the case recently...

I have to go to the kitchen to prepare a room service tray, and as I scavenge the area I place my foot in a patch of oil put on the floor from the deep-fat fryer, and left there by the kitchen porter when he cleaned. As I feel my foot begin to skate out from under me, I reach out to steady myself on the nearest counter... which proves to be a mistake.

The counter itself is 'quite warm', so I let go VERY quickly and allow myself to instead land on my arse on the kitchen floor. I rest here for a little while, before gingerly picking myself up, dusting myself off, and walking very carefully to the end of the counter. When I get there, I reach up, and turn the hot plate off...

Ow, in a word.

My Racist

2007-09-26T21:04:00.000Z

****BE WARNED, THIS POST CONTAINS SOME DIRECT QUOTES THAT ARE OFFENSIVE AND GRAPHIC****

A few days ago, I actually managed to meet a man who made me ashamed to be British.

This guy was a member of the armed forces, and over the course of the night had got chatting with some American businessmen - These particular businessmen stay with us for months at a time and as a result the staff of the hotel are very friendly with them and quite informal. I've been out to dinner with them a few times and I can't count how many times we've gone to the pub together.

As the bar was dead, and I had nothing to do for a while, the Americans threw a chair at me and told me to sit down and join the conversation...

This conversation continued till 5am, with the armed forces guy getting more and more drunk until I eventually had to escort him to his room.

However, before the drunken lead-off, I had to listen to him debate immigration, taxes, political correctness, Iraq, and Bush with the Americans - The Americans hate conversations like this as every drunk English guy feels the need to have it with them. Additionally, they end up defending issues they wouldn't back in the US because they think if they don't it means they're not defending their country.

About halfway through the conversation, the English guy comes on to immigration, and says that this country has gone to shit. The reason this country has apparently gone to shit is that we let everyone else in. The country isn't British anymore. We let all these f*ing sp*des and p*kis in, and now we're nothing. All they do is leech off benefits and commit crime.

He went on to say that everyone knows this, even the f*ing government, but we're so f*ing scared of being un-PC, that no one will do anything. The government just looks the other way as these f*ing n*ggers and p*kis get away with it. He summarised this point by saying that Britain is looking for a new motto currently, and despite popular demand the government won't accept "There's no black in the Union Jack!"

He followed up with "If it were up to me, I'd kill the lot of them. Just BANG! Bullet in the head of each of them."

Then charmingly, "Take this guy (pointing at me); an average English guy. He'll agree with me!"

................

Entertainingly, he finished by saying immigrants were the reason he doesn't live in Britain anymore; he has a house in Portugal... So surely, he's an immigrant?

It worries me that this guy is travelling round the world, representing my country, and giving people the impression that we're all a bunch of violent racists...

My Overbooking

2007-09-23T12:14:00.001Z

You know you're in for a great night when you come on shift and are greeted by the duty receptionist saying:-

'Evening! Welcome to Hell!'

This particular sentiment was brought about through our reservations department accidentally dropping us in it.

The story goes that at 9am when the duty reservationist came in, she loaded up our availability sheets for the day and found that we'd taken a few too many reservations... 7 to be precise. Now, unless we can magically conjure up an additional 7 rooms, we need to get rid of 7 bookings. Throughout the course of the day, they had managed to bring this down to 1, but 1 is still a problem.

When I came on shift we still had 3 arrivals to come, with only 2 rooms available. I had a brief chat with the duty manager, who explained that they'd called another hotel which had 3 rooms available, but the rate was £189. This is a touch expensive, and if we send a guest to them we will have to pay the difference. If we book the room, and a guest doesn't show up, we would have to pay regardless. I decided that, based on the hour, hopefully one of our arrivals would be a no-show and we'd chance it. On average we get about 10 no-shows a week, so this seemed possible...

Irritatingly, they all turned up. Even more annoyingly, when I rang the other hotel to let them know that we would indeed be needing one of their rooms, I was informed that they were full.

This, was a lie.

I know this was a lie because we had spoken to them just an hour before and the hotel is in such a remote location that they aren't going to get 3 walk-ins in that space of time.

To add to my mood, finding out that they were 'full' took me 10 minutes because the night manager at the hotel is apparently French, and her English is awful.

To further my frustration, I called 3 other hotels before I finally found one that wasn't 'full' and by this point had spoken to a French night manager, an Indian, a Spaniard, and possibly a Pole. Don't misunderstand, I have absolutely nothing against foreigners coming to work in this country. However, I find it infuriating when people are in positions that require a high level of English speaking ability, and all I can get out of them is 'Sorry', 'Yes', and 'No'. My guest in the mean time has had to wait half an hour whilst I struggle through these conversations.

Anyway, to cut a long story short I eventually found my guest a room in another hotel, and arranged for the remainder of their stay at our hotel to be in our best suite. This seemed to appease them and they complimented and gave a good review to me when checking-out. The hotel itself got a complaint for causing the problem in the first place, but it could be worse...

For example, one day we were 13 overbooked...

My Nights

2007-09-23T12:01:00.000Z

I'm curious to see how other people are affected by working night shifts. This is mainly because the head receptionist told me the other day that:-

'You look like a shell of who you were. I've seen nights destroy 4 young men already; you're the 5th.'

A touch bleak, but a lovely sentiment. I'd like to think it's just because I'm tired when she sees me in the morning, combined with the fact that I'm overworked as we're understaffed, and a touch stressed as I've spent most of my night correcting the reception manager's work as she's... well, an idiot.

Anyway, I'd be interested in reading other night worker's blogs if anyone knows any. I've had a brief look and couldn't find any.

The only one I know is 'The Night Warden', but I'd like a range...

My Bomb Threat

2007-09-19T11:08:00.000Z

During the nights, I basically have the hotel to myself. This gives me time to raid the kitchen, watch a DVD, play on my PSP, or even take a quick nap. It also gives me time to poke around reception and see what random things are there - Conveniently, this is how I now own a PSP. I found it in the night team's desk, so I assume it was one of the previous night manager's. I put it back each night just in case someone comes to collect it, but I'm fairly sure it's now mine.

This is also how I found the 'Bomb Threat Action File'...

The 'Bomb Threat Action File' basically tells me exactly what to do if someone calls in a bomb threat. Encouragingly, this file was caked in dust, the paper inside is yellowing, and it looks like it was typed up on a typewriter. The pages look like they were photocopied on a very poor machine, and some are so dark/fuzzy that I can barely read them.

Anyway, from reading the 'Bomb Threat Action File', I have drawn out what I feel to be the most important points:-

a) Do not hang up on the caller

b) Call the police as soon as the caller disconnects

c) When evacuating guests, do not mention the word 'Bomb'

d) Stay calm

Thank God I have the file! Otherwise I may hang up on someone trying to tell me about a bomb they've left in the building, not bother calling the police, tell all the guests there's a bomb, and then whilst they're running around panicking, panic as well!

This must be the idiot's guide to handling bomb threats. That said, if I ever get one (highly unlikely) I'm sure I'll be glad I have it...

My New Challenge

2007-09-18T19:21:00.000Z

I've been thinking about the biggest difference between my old job as Late Shift Barman, and my new job as Night Manager.

Really, everything has changed. I rarely have to go behind the bar now, I work almost completely behind reception. My duties no longer revolve around drinks, instead focusing much more heavily on accounts, revenue, arrivals, and guest services. Guest services encompasses tasks such as arranging taxis, making sandwiches, and handling any complaints that arise over the course of the evening.

However, I think the biggest difference is accountability...

On the bar, I was safe in the knowledge that as long as I did my job and ensured guests obeyed the rules of the hotel, I was covered. If a guest complained that it was unreasonable for me to ask them not to dance on a table, I could refer them to the senior manager on shift.

Now, I AM the senior manager on shift. This means that whatever I decide is what is acceptable... at least until the morning when if the guest wants to complain they can speak to another manager.

This has the benefit that when guests speak to me they know that, at least for the time being, there is no one above me and what I decide is the final word. Pleasantly, this means that guests argue with me less than they used to.

I say less, because I still get drunk/jerk guests who demand to see my manager - I've been asked at 4am to get the General Manager as the guest doesn't like my answer... I'm not going to wake up the General Manager and call him in to work at 4am for anything short of a bomb threat, and even then I probably wouldn't bother - Sounds harsh/lazy, but what exactly is he going to do that I'm not?

However, on the downside, I am now much more accountable for my mistakes. Anything I do wrong, in terms of handling guest complaints, can't really be rectified until the morning... At which point I get it in the neck.

I think the phrase, With responsibility comes empowerment, but also fear, sums it up in a round-a-bout sort of way...

Anyway, apologies for the somewhat dull post, but I think it's necessary to mention this point as it's the most important aspect of my new job...

My Conundrum

2007-09-14T10:51:00.000Z

It seems to be that I start all my posts recently by apologising for the lack of posts.

In keeping with that tradition, 'I apologise for the lack of posts recently'. Now for the why:-

The hotel is currently circling the drain. We've lost so many managers that the few that remain are each covering 3 other departments. The complete lack of leadership and monitoring of staff has meant that a large percentage of the serving staff have become fed up and left as well. We are now basically running on a skeleton crew, though relief workers from agencies and other hotels are expected in the next few days.

You might ask why this post is titled 'My Conundrum' and how that relates to the current staffing problems.

Essentially, with so few managers' positions being filled, someone decided that I was needed elsewhere and promoted me to management. I'm now the 'Assistant Night Manager' for the hotel.

I'm quite happy with this as although the hours are obscene, at least they're set and I don't stand around for hours wondering when I'll be able to leave (as was the case with working on the bar). Additionally, I get more pay, more responsibility, and do less work. The work itself is harder, but I can get it all done in 4 hours leaving me the remainder of my 8 hour shift to spend however I so choose - Personally, I like to either sleep, finish up some of my uni work, or watch a film (Whoever decided it would be a good idea to order reception a PC with a DVD player deserves a medal).

Again, you might ask where the 'conundrum' in this is.

When I started this blog, I was writing as a barman. My 'brief' is written as such, and even my template and profile are designed around this theme. However, I'm not a barman anymore, which kind of goes against the point of the blog. The question therefore lies with, should I continue it?

I think I need to look at why I started the blog. In my case, on occasion it gives me a place to vent, and I think some of the happenings at the hotel are quite interesting. Additionally, it gives people a behind the scenes look at an organisation they may not have seen before.

With this in mind, I think I will continue posting. Hopefully I should become more regular again soon when the relief staff arrive.

I think my template and design of the blog itself will have to change though. My profile clearly needs an update...

My Faith In Humanity

2007-08-24T17:31:00.000Z

In May, I posted about a couple who left their baby at home and took a baby monitor out with them whilst they had drinks in the hotel (one which wouldn't work due to the range). 3 months on, I feel an update is needed.

I have now seen people take baby monitors into the bar on 5 separate occasions. This is despite the high profile of the Madeleine McCann case, and the warnings/advice that has come up as a result.

I'm forced to ask, do people really think taking a baby monitor with them into the bar whilst they leave their child at home/in their room, is a sound precaution? Is this seen as the new, economic and effective way to ensure a child's safety, whilst the parents are away?

Appalled as I am by everyone who brings a baby monitor into the bar, I was especially disgusted at the guests who were in last night.

I was walking past one of the bar's closed off seating areas when I heard what sounded like a TV. Knowing we don't have a television in that room, I entered to investigate.

The room was deserted, but I could still hear this slight static noise.

As I stood still and tried to pin-point its origin, I heard a sob.

The sob turned into a wail.

It was then that I found a baby monitor sat on the floor next to one of the sofas.

Taking a baby monitor out with you instead of hiring a babysitter is one thing, but to then abandon the baby monitor?!

I returned to the bar and announced to the crowd that I had found a baby monitor next door, and that the baby was crying - Admittedly, I was trying to shame the parents

However, what destroyed my faith in humanity was not that people had taken a baby monitor out with them and then abandoned it, but instead:-

The reaction I got from the crowd

No one cared. No one! Everyone listened to my announcement, realised it didn't relate to them, and then continued their conversations!

I'm sorry, but that just makes me feel sick...

My Crying Guests

2007-08-18T19:42:00.000Z

I'm sure every barman has at some point or another had a customer cry in their bar.

I was reading Manuel's blog 'Well Done Fillet', and was appalled by his story of the mother and daughter birthday duo, where the daughter abandons her mother to hang out with her friends (HAS to be read!!)

I'm not sure where people break down in tears more, restaurants or bars, though I would be interested in opinions - Having worked only in bars, not restaurants, I have no comparison

It's always a challenge to know what to do when a guest starts crying in the bar. Harsh as this sounds, being a hotel bar we have the added problem of whether or not the guest is actually staying at the hotel or just 'visiting the bar'. If they're staying in the hotel we can't kick them out as we have no closing time, so they could theoretically sit in the bar all night - one guest stayed till 5am, when I eventually managed to convince her to go to bed

If a crying guest is sitting at the back of the bar, I take it that chances are they don't want to be talked to.

If a crying guest is sat at the bar, I figure they may want someone to talk to. However, at the same time, they may just want to have someone close to them, they may not in fact want to be spoken to.

Dilemmas!!

My first step is usually to approach the guest with a tissue. Depending on their reaction, I can then decide whether or not to attempt to speak with them. If they start talking to me, I'll have a chat with them. If not, I'll ask if they're alright, and then leave them alone.

If I am very busy, I sadly do not have the time to check on crying guests, let alone go over their problems with them. In these cases, I usually direct a manager towards them.

With some guests though, it's difficult to determine if they are genuinely upset or just somewhat loopy...

My most 'entertaining' crying guest sat at the bar sobbing for 5 minutes, and then burst into laughter, giggling to herself for another 5 minutes, before lapsing back into sobs. This continued for about 4 hours.

She chatted to me for the duration of this episode, telling me her tears were tears of joy, and that she was just really happy! Hmm...

By the time I finally managed to convince her to go to bed she could barely walk, so I offered to help her. Before we set off she insisted on hugging me, and when we got to her room she hugged me again... She then kissed me and tried to pull me into her room!

I gently explained to her that I couldn't come in, and left her. However, the night manager told me the next day that he had 4 calls from her, asking if the barman was still around and requesting room service.

Crying Guests, not something I was ever trained in how to deal with...

My Complaint

2007-08-12T11:30:00.000Z

Again, sorry about the lack of posts. The hotel is still ridiculously understaffed and we seem to be losing people on a daily basis. This means that I am working on average, 14 hours a day, and 6 days a week.

Anyway, I thought I'd give some guidelines on how to complain, so as to get the most out of the hotel, in terms of complimentary gifts.

1) DO NOT complain about petty things - It just makes you seem petty and the hotel will gently try to appease you, but not go out of its way. Additionally, they will take serious complaints less seriously if you complain about everything

2) AVOID getting angry - There is a time and a place for you to raise your voice, and that is when you have complained and nothing has been done. If you get angry straight away, it may mean your problem is resolved more quickly, but the staff will dislike you and will try to avoid you

3) DO NOT try to be clever, patronising, or demeaning - This one really needs an example, but I'll leave that to the end.

4) BE polite - There is no need to be rude or swear whilst making a complaint. Entertainingly, I watched someone make a complaint to a manager, only to be told that if he swore again whilst they were talking in a public area, the manager wouldn't care about the complaint and would just throw him out.

5) BE good humoured - There is a limit to this I admit, especially if the establishment is making really big, stupid, mistakes. However, if you joke with the staff member who you are lodging the complaint with they'll tend to work much harder for you, not just in the short term whilst dealing with the complaint, but also throughout the rest of the evening

I mentioned that I would include an example. This was a complaint I received recently, where the guest did none of the above.

The guest called me over by snapping his fingers at me. Having arrived at his table, he presented me with the bar menu and told me to read out loud the description for the 'Chicken Caesar Salad', which he was eating.

I read it out and it finishes with '....topped with hot chicken'. He then basically yelled at me, that his chicken was not hot and clearly had not been hot for a long time (this was due to a new chef who did not realise the chicken should be hot). He went on to reel off a list of complaints, including a running joke within his company about how long it takes to check into the hotel when they stay, and the tone of my voice when I said 'no' answering an earlier question!

I apologised profusely, refunded the meal, and offered him anything off the menu complimentary.

However, this guest had in my eyes shown me absolutely no respect and treated me like a child. He would have received much better service from me throughout the rest of the evening if he had actually been polite, good-humoured, and calm. Additionally, he wouldn't have had the rest of the staff deliberately avoiding him.

Oh, additionally, never snap your fingers at a waiter. It's demeaning and I tend to deliberately ignore people who do it at me unless I'm looking right at them when they do it.

My Bribe

2007-07-29T13:53:00.000Z

First off, I'd like to apologise for my slight absence. The hotel is in a bit of a state currently as a fair number of upper management have left and the more lazy staff are now un-managed, meaning they're doing as little work as possible. This in turn means the more motivated staff are having to work much harder to pick up the slack.

Additionally, I managed to burn my hand quite badly and typing became a bit of a challenge.

Anyway, I felt I should discuss my bribes.

At night, it becomes a bit of a challenge to ensure that the bar remains quiet and under control, so as not to wake up or disturb guests in the surrounding rooms. Whilst attempting to do this, we are often offered bribes.

Bribes can vary from;-

a) Drinks - The most common bribe, though I can't drink on duty and I drive home when I finish so I really don't want it

b) Cash - Usually around £20-£40, though I was once offered £1000 if I would 'look-the-other-way' and arrange for a prostitute

c) Food - Occurs when guests have brought food into the bar and I tell them they can only eat it in their rooms (I get offered Dominos about twice a month)

and

d) Cigarettes - A bit redundant as I don't smoke, but becoming more popular as the smoking ban means I am forcing people outside and the instant reaction is to offer me one if I let them stay

However, I had a group in the bar recently who went above and beyond the standard bribery.

I asked them to go outside to smoke, and so they offered me a cigarette.

I told them I needed to see the hotel identification they were given on check-in before I could serve them, and they offered me a drink.

They wanted me to undercharge them, and in return they'd give me cash.

And then they excelled themselves...

"Mate, do you mind if I rack up on the table?"

"You'd like another round?" - He's been asking me previously to 'rack up' drinks

"No, no. Do you mind if I rack up some lines of coke?"

"Yes, I mind"

"Why? No one else will see. We're the only ones here"

"That's irrelevant, sir. You cannot take drugs in the bar"

"Oh come on! You can have some!"

That's the first time I've been offered drugs by a guest, and I'm almost surprised it hadn't happened sooner.

My Sick Day

2007-07-15T13:23:00.000Z

I try not to take sick days unless I have to. The few times I have been absent from the hotel, were when I had food poisoning (happens more often than you think - I'm pretty absent minded when it comes to checking expiration dates on food - I've had food poisoning 3 times in the past year).

Currently, due to a mass exodus of staff, I am training 4 people. A couple of nights ago, one of the trainees didn't show up. Instead, he'd sent his housemate who was one of the other trainees. My absentee had rung in and told the duty manager that he was sick. The duty manager hadn't asked how; he'd just accepted this. However, I know them a bit better and wanted to make sure he was okay, so asked my arrival.

Our conversation went something along the lines of:

"He can't walk at the moment"

"What?!"

"No, he's okay! He just needs a day or two to recover"

"Why can't he walk?"

"He was wearing boxers that were a bit tight too long and they've really badly chafed his legs. They were bleeding"

"He cut himself on his boxers!?"

I really wish the duty manager had asked him what the problem was when he rang in. This is the poorest sick day excuse I have ever heard. It begs the question, when he noticed his boxers were hurting him, why did he not change underwear? However, given the trainee, I can believe that this thought never actually occurred to him...

Is there a worse reason to take a sick day?

My Scottish Wedding

2007-07-09T04:04:00.000Z

As mentioned previously, the hotel plays host to many weddings.

The last wedding I served at was a Scottish wedding. For me, this means several key differences from my standard wedding service.

For starters, when most guests get drunk, if I concentrate, I can still understand them. With a Scottish wedding, as the guests get more drunk, they become less and less understandable, and no matter how hard I try, I cannot understand them.

Secondly, because the hotel is not in Scotland (Although I stated that I am based in the UK, to be more specific, I live in England) the guests have had to travel a fair distance and knowing this have planned ahead... i.e. They have arranged for coach transportation so that they do not have to worry about designated drivers and can get absolutely trashed.

Thirdly, traditional Scottish wedding attire is of course, the kilt. Whilst this is traditional attire, it does not bode well for the inevitable 'piss-up' that will follow. The presence of kilts makes my job of watching over the bar a lot harder, as I try to avoid accidentally looking up them.

(Additionally, when a Scotsman passes out from excessive drinking, one of their female friends is bound to flip up their kilt.)

Needless to say, it was a long night...

Moral of the story:- When serving at a Scottish wedding, though you won't want to see a Scotsman's penis, you probably will....

Also, if a Scotsman says he wants to play his bagpipes in the bar, and promises it will be quiet... he's lying.

My Change

2007-07-03T14:28:00.000Z

As it's been in the news recently, and others have mentioned it (Pizza Hut Team Member, Arriva Driver, etc.), I thought I should throw in my thoughts on change... or lack of.

I would like to see more £5 notes. It's somewhat shocking to see how much the levels have dropped in the last few months alone.

However, I would much rather see £1 coins. For that matter, I would also quite like to see 50ps.

At the hotel, our reception staff are in charge of sorting out change. This is not normally a problem, and I can run up to reception when running low and swap some of my notes for smaller denominations. However, we recently had a new front office manager appointed... and the department has nose-dived.

An example of how she has killed the department, comes in the form of change:-

For my float a couple of weeks ago I was given £40.

£40 is a standard float, though £40 in the form of 4x£10 notes is not. When I discovered this, I went back and demanded to know how she expected me to give change to guests when all I had was £10 notes.

I was informed that we had no £1 coins, 50ps, or 20ps. If I wanted to break down some of my notes, she could give me 10ps.

...I went and lodged a formal complaint with the ops manager, then returned to bar and got abuse for about an hour from guests who didn't appreciate getting £3.50 worth of change in 10ps. Hard to blame them really.

(I later found out that one of the receptionists had been to the bank twice that day and not been asked to get change at any point)

It took 2 weeks before our new manager was yelled at by the ops manager, who I had complained to every day, and she reluctantly went and sorted out change...

My Charity

2007-06-27T12:51:00.000Z

I was recently asked by one of our guests if the hotel had some sort of charity programme they could donate to. I couldn't come up with an answer and so told them to speak to reception about it. In honesty, there is a pay-roll-deduction programme set up for staff to donate a part of their salary to charity. I don't know anyone who has signed up for it. I don't mean to make excuses, but I'm a student on barely minimum wage who gets tipped about as often as a neurotic squirrel finds a nut; I need all the money I can get.

However, my thoughts drifted to a charitable organisation, which I won't name, that meet at the hotel every week. They dine in the restaurant, and drink in the bar.

Given the numbers of members and the price of dinner, I worked out that excluding drinks they pay the hotel £1000 a week. With drinks included it's between £1100 and £1200. Over the course of the year, they spend a minimum of £57200 at the hotel.

Admittedly, whenever they meet they pull out their cheque books and pay their membership fees. In truth I do not know if this money goes to paying for the dinner, if it covers their admin costs, or if a part of it actually goes to charity. Even if the cheque was aimed solely towards charity, would £57200 not be a nice little 'boost'? What could you do with that money if it was used in the right way?

I discussed the figures with my flatmate and she said she thinks they're all posers. The charitable organisation is just an excuse to meet once a week, eat dinner, get drunk, and be sociable.

A cynical view perhaps, but at £57200 a year I'm inclined to agree.

However, I'm not exactly contributing at all so am I even one to judge?

My FAQ

2007-06-17T23:43:00.000Z

If I'm chatting to guests at the bar, I'm always asked the same sort of questions. If they seem the friendly sort, I usually answer honestly. With that in mind...

My FAQ:

Q: What is the most tips you've ever made in one night?
A: £65 from a couple of American guests trying to impress 2 Irish girls

Q: What is the best tip you've ever made?
A: £7 for driving to a petrol station at 1am to pick up a pack of 3 condoms

Q: What is the worst tip you've ever made?
A: 10p - The bill was £9.85, so when they paid with a £10 note and were handed 15p change, they made the conscious decision to not just leave their change, but to give 10p of it

Q: What is the longest shift you've ever worked?
A: 15 hours straight - We were short staffed and a party was seriously underestimated (the cleaning alone took 4 hours with 3 of us working at it)

Q: Do you like your job?
A: It really depends on what type of guest we have in the bar. A lot of the time, yes, I do

And finally,

Q: Would you recommend the hotel restaurant? Honestly?
A: ... Um... I think there are many fine restaurants in town and it would be a shame to spend all of your time in the hotel
Q: You didn't answer the question.
A: ... Sorry, you'll have to excuse me, my room service pager just went off, I'm needed in the kitchen

I know I'm missing some of the other questions I'm often asked, but I've just come off shift and I'm finding it hard to think.

If you have any questions you'd like me to answer, please ask!

My Impatient Guests

2007-06-17T03:07:00.000Z

For some reason, tonight we had some of the most impatient, pain in the arse, irritating, guests I have ever served.

As mentioned previously, after a certain time, I become the maintenance man/porter/chef. This means that it is impossible for me to be on bar, and stay there, for all of my shift.

My first impatient guest, was when I was called to reception to help a lady with a luggage and carry her child to her room. I'd been absent from the bar for 30 seconds, when the receptionist's internal phone rang. It was a guest at the bar, demanding to know what kind of hotel we ran where we left the bar unattended.

My night got worse. It was a busy night, and guests kept ordering food. This meant that I was running back and forth between the bar and the kitchen. At the end of her shift, the receptionist informed me that she had watched me leave the bar, go to the kitchen, and return to the bar with food. During this brief absence, and I do mean BRIEF, she was rung 4 times by people at the bar demanding to know where the bar man was...

4 times?!

Once is impatient, I need to come up with a new word to describe this...

She went on to tell me that over the course of the night, she received 13 calls regarding my whereabouts. On average, we get 2 calls a night. 13 is obscene.

You have to bear in mind that of the people who complain, some of them are people who I have helped carry luggage to their room, delivered room service to, or fixed the shower of.

And yet they expect me to be on bar permanently.

I apologise for the rant, but tonight was really depressing for me. I just find it sad that I was called 4 times during a 2 minute absence...

My Staff Relationships

2007-06-10T03:13:00.000Z

Having read Andrew's blog 'Working at Food Place', it occurred to me that I haven't really discussed in any depth the relationships staff at the hotel have with each other.

The hotel makes its staff into a family. The problem however, lies in how dysfunctional, and somewhat incestuous, the family is...

There is the staff block, so most of the staff who work at the hotel can live there as well. This means cheap accommodation, free meals, and a very short journey to work. However, staff accommodation also means that you are at the beck and call of the hotel. For example, if you've just come off a 15 hour shift, but someone needs to discuss something with you, they can ring your room and you can't ignore it...

(On top of which, just because you spend 8 hours a day working with people, that does not mean that you 'want' or are going to 'enjoy' seeing them when not working. This has led to several arguments, a few fights, and a lot of 'silent' relationships where staff are refusing to speak to each other)

There are cliques of staff who eat together, work together, and go out together. For example, the Filipino staff who work in house keeping, and the Polish waitresses.

There are members of staff who seem to 'date' the hotel. One receptionist has dated 3 separate members of staff, each from a different department. This has caused a massive problem where 3 separate departments may not talk to each other, depending on who is working the current shift. Additionally, I'm told that a year ago one of the waitresses managed to sleep with almost every chef... The department nearly imploded.

There are also the members of staff who seem to serve as a beacon for hatred. These are not necessarily senior managers, though one is, but can be lower rung workers as well. These members of staff can't help but generate feelings of despair, disgust, and intense rage.

Personally, I think I am maintaining my relationships fairly well... The exception being a porter who I might have to punch the next time I see...

Maybe I should date the receptionist?

My Moral Dilemna

2007-06-07T15:42:00.001Z

I've run into a situation which I have to deal with on a fairly regular basis, and which leaves me feeling useless and despicable. The entire situation is caused by baby food.

Occasionally, people staying in the hotel bring their children into the bar. I have no problem with this, as long as the child is quiet and doesn't disturb other guests (for example, by running round, screaming, or getting lost and necessitating a hotel-wide 'child hunt'). The problem stems from parents asking if I can heat up their baby food for them in the microwave. I am assured that this will only take ten seconds on high heat.

The first time I was asked I readily agreed, and proceeded to the kitchen to ask the chef to heat it for me. He adamantly refused - I quote:

"When you use a microwave to heat food, it can cause hot spots to form in the food. If the baby is then fed part of the food from a hot spot, it can burn their throat. If I prepare food for someone and they get sick, I'm covered by the hotel. If I heat that for you, and it hurts the baby, I'm liable."

When I asked what I could do about it, the chef said I was welcome to use the microwave and heat the baby's food. That way, he was no longer liable and the blame would shift to me.

I am now left with a moral dilemma. Do I heat the food, and risk getting sued if something goes wrong, or do I refuse outright to heat baby food and let the child go hungry? The reason this situation leaves me feeling useless and despicable is that I always go with the latter.

On that particular occasion, I put the baby food container into a teapot of boiling water and handed it back to the parents saying it was the only way I could heat it.

Is this the only option (short of having parents fill in a disclaimer) that I have to heat baby food? How do other people in the service industry deal with this, or does it just not come up?

My Chef

2007-06-03T12:44:00.001Z

Q: What do you get when you cross a stag party with a head chef?

A: A bill in excess of £200 charged to the hotel and a fire hazard

Another staff party, another night of serving tedious guests who think they own the place just because 'so-and-so' works there. However, it wasn't the staff's guests who caused the most problems this time; it was the member of staff himself.

I'd never seen the head chef drunk before, but it was entertaining. I especially liked the bit where he called his girlfriend at 4am telling her how drunk he was and asking if he was a bad boyfriend.

Throughout the night, he wouldn't let any of his guests pay for their drinks (even though they kept trying) and instead insisted that he would pay for all of them. However, he would then instruct me to bill it to the hotel. As it was a stag party, this resulted in A LOT of drinks being charged to the hotel.

Additionally, in stag night tradition, the groom-to-be was dressed in drag and had a 'blow-up-love-sheep' handcuffed to his arm. Needless to say, this looks a little strange to other guests staying in the hotel, who are trying to have a quiet drink in the bar.

As the night progressed, a wedding party arrived back at the hotel and mixed with the stag party in the bar. Fearing this may lead to problems, we had several of the largest members of staff standing nearby in case someone needed to be removed. Thankfully, this was not the case, as the stag party managed to scare all other guests out of the bar.

They then decided they were hungry, so the chef ordered us to make up some sandwiches. When he found out what we charged for sandwiches he was apalled... A little strange I think as he's the one responsible for this. He declared that he would prepare something instead. What he meant by this was that he would turn on the deep fat fryer and prepare chips.

The chef's plan made the nightmanager 'uneasy', so he transferred me off the bar and into the kitchen to keep an eye on the chef and ensure he didn't deep fry his hand. However, on my way to the kitchen the chef walked past me and went and sat straight back down in the bar. We thought that maybe he had given up on his plans, but instead found he'd just left the chips unattended sitting in the fryer. This led to a convergence of all staff in the kitchen, hurriedly trying to work out how you cook chips in a fryer as none of us are trained in that respect (or insured - the hotel isn't even insured to have the fryer ON when there's no one trained on duty/sober)... The chef eventually returned and finished his plan...

In the morning, when the chef finally turned up for work, he announced that he felt "sick as a badger's arse" and was then called into the general manager's office to explain his drinking bill...

My Arabic Guests

2007-05-27T01:30:00.000Z

In one of my first posts, I gave examples of some of the strange things people ask me. Some of these are due to people not listening to me, being too drunk to understand me, or just having some very odd notions about what kind of service we are willing to provide.

One group of guests managed to excel themselves, and provide me with the most trying service I've had so far. These were my arabic guests.

They were a group of 4 business men in their 40s, who spoke very little english, and were referred to me from one of the waitresses (she was Russian and it was proving impossible for the order to be taken in english).

They decided they wanted a full 3 course meal. This is a little unusual in the bar, but still feasable.

For drinks, they wanted juice - I told them they could have orange, grapefruit or pineapple. They wanted apple, and told me they'd had it for breakfast. We only serve apple juice at breakfast, but I decided it would be easier to 'borrow' the kitchen keys and get apple juice than try to explain this, so duly took the order

For starters, they wanted melon - We don't do melon. I've watched them flick through the menu for 5 minutes. At no point is melon listed. Instead, I managed to persuade them that the soup was very good.

For a main course, they wanted fish - I told them I could get them salmon or tuna. They wanted haddock. When I explained we didn't have haddock, they said...

"Oh, in that case 'Swordfish' will do"

Call me crazy, but in my opinion 'swordfish' is not common. I'd go as far as saying that 'swordfish' is somewhat of a delicacy, that you would be hard-pressed to find in mainland Britain... How is that the backup to Haddock?! I convinced them to have salmon, but ended up having a debate with them about whether brioche was a sauce, as they wanted no sauce.

For dessert, they wanted fruit - I informed them that our fruit salad was very good. They didn't want fruit salad. They wanted fresh fruit - As a hotel, we do not prepare our fruit salads from fresh fruit; we have the fruit salad delivered to us pre-prepared in a tub. Again, I decided it would be futile to argue with them, so would instead raid the kitchen supplies when I went to 'borrow' the apple juice.

When I had finished the order I emerged from the bar, almost sweating, to be greeted by a round of silent applause from 3 waitresses, who had been watching my performance. The Russian girl had spread news of these difficult guests, so the rest of the restaurant staff on shift had come to watch the struggle.

My Exhibitionists?

2007-05-20T13:06:00.000Z

As stated in a previous post, for some obscure reason after a certain time I take over maintenance duties for the hotel. I was recently sent to fix a TV in one of the rooms and think I may have the mental image for the rest of my life.

The guests had rung down to complain that their TV had no aerial and reception had assured them that they would send someone up with one. I was duly called, but explained to reception that I didn't think replacing the TV aerial would fix the problem, as the TV had been broken for 6 months. Not wanting to have to ring the guest back and inform them of their mistake, reception told me to go up and try it anyway; that way it would at least look like we tried.

Knocking twice, and receiving no reply, I let myself into the room with the master key, entering slowly and calling out on the off-chance they hadn't heard the door.

Still no reply.

Having confirmed the room was empty, I proceeded into the bedroom... walking straight in on a couple having sex doggy-style.

I rushed backwards out of the room, apologising profusely, but the guest called me back before I could leave. When I explained I was there to fix the TV, he told me to go ahead.

What followed was an awkward 5 minutes, where I tried to repair a TV I knew I couldn't fix whilst being watched by a naked couple lying in bed under a duvet. I then had to explain this to them, trying very hard not to stare.

As I was about to leave, the gentleman called me back and reeled off a list of further complaints, asking what I could do about them. This resulted in another awkward 10 minutes.

When I finally managed to leave and get back to the bar, I told the other bar staff about my 'excursion'. When she stopped laughing, she told me they might have wanted to be seen and just pretended not to hear me. She then told me about a guest who she thought deliberately dropped his bath towel in front of her.

When I got home and told my flatmate, she agreed that they were most likely exhibitionists.

a) I was called to the room, so they had to have been anticipating someone
b) I knock very loudly - ironically, to avoid walking in on people having sex
c) When I tried to leave, they kept me there to fix the TV
d) When I tried to leave again, they kept me for as long as possible listing complaints

and

e) They weren't covering themselves very well

When most guests are in the middle of something and their room service arrives, the woman tends to run and hide in the bathroom, leaving the guy to struggle into a bathrobe/a towel/his pants and answer the door.

I have been called to guests' rooms whilst the husband is either out or in the bar and the female guest has 'dropped' their towel, and I have also been chatted up in the bar in front of the husband (I DO NOT appreciate this - the last time I had to attempt to calm down a VERY angry husband).

So please, if you're staying in a hotel and are planning to either flirt with or expose yourself to the bar/room service staff...

LEAVE YOUR SPOUSE AT HOME

My Whiskey

2007-05-18T13:24:00.000Z

On the bar, we have a fair range of whiskeys. We have most of the classic malts, and a large number of mixed malts.

Occasionally, someone will come up to the bar who has an extensive knowledge, but most of the people who order whiskey know absolutely nothing about it. I actually quite enjoy talking to guests who don't know anything, because I look quite intelligent (even though my knowledge base is actually quite small), can make recommendations, and usually get tipped at the end. For example, you can tell them to look for the slight taste of salt in Talisker, the chocolate in Macallan, and the marzipan in Balvenie.

I also enjoy talking to the guests with extensive knowledge, because we can have an in depth chat, I may be able to learn something, and again I usually get tipped at the end.

Sometimes however, we get a guest who is a 'connoisseur'. These are guests who think they know a lot about whiskey, but really know nothing. For example, I overheard one connoisseur telling his friends that the Laphroaig got it's peaty taste due to the altitude it was distilled at. They seemed quite impressed, though I waited until they'd left and then pointed out to him that it's actually because of the water the barley is steeped in, and the smoke of a peat fire which it is then dried in. To his credit he recovered marvellously, telling me I was wrong and to shut up. Now I wish I'd corrected him in front of his friends and watched them laugh at him.

Recently though, I was on bar when a Scottish guest came and sat down in front of me. I ended up having a fairly pleasant chat with him about the whiskeys as he told me odd little facts and insights. Additionally he practically did my job for me, as whenever a guest would come up and ask for whiskey he'd make recommendations and explain the whiskey range to them. Entertainingly, he would also minorly chastise guests who wanted to put ice in their classic malt.

I then had someone come up and ask for a double Lagavulin... with Coke.

The Scottish guest nearly had a stroke.

My Wedding

2007-05-13T23:37:00.000Z

A couple's wedding day is, for many, the single most important day of their life. There are websites dedicated to the topic that discuss it in detail, right down to what ridiculous gift you can give the happy couple.

At the hotel, we advertise ourselves heavily towards wedding parties. The reason for this is obvious; not only do we charge for setting up the catering and entertainment, but it also ensures a large number of rooms are sold, and generates a healthy income for the bar which is usually kept busy till between 3 and 7am.

However, I don't think people truly appreciate how difficult it is for us to make sure everything runs smoothly on the day.

We have to:

1) Take another bottle of champagne up to the bridal suite - the receptionist managed to send it to the wrong room (we would go and take it back, but she cannot remember where she sent it)

2) Search the housekeeper's cleaning cart - the flowers placed in the bridal suite have mysteriously disappeared right after it was cleaned (the flowers usually make it back to the room, albeit a little more travelled than they should be)

3) Drive to the nearest supermarket/petrol station - reception have forgotten to arrange for chocolates to be delivered to the room and we don't have any

4) Wash the sword that we use to cut the cake - the porter who put it away after the last wedding forgot to and it now has wedding cake dried onto it

5) Keep a close eye on the DJ - as the night has gone on it has become apparent that he's very, very drunk

6) Try to recommend music to the DJ - people not only aren't dancing, but we're starting to hear them ranting and coming up with threats to his health

7) Check at least one guest out of his room and into another under a false name - a 'disagreement' has occurred and having leapt through a hedge to escape his pursuer, he'd like to lay low for the night

8) Carry at least one guest back to their room - they're usually found passed out in the hall, sometimes wearing clothes, sometimes not

9) Deliver room service to a female guest - for some reason, they're naked when they open the door (not as common as the previous tasks, but does happen)

And, after one particularly 'unsmooth' wedding:

10) Re-lay the breakfast settings so that the bride and groom's families are on opposite sides of the room - this was mostly due to the groom standing up at 3am and announcing to his new father-in-law, "Right, I'm going to go shag your daughter"

That said, I do still enjoy weddings. Every one's celebrating so they're usually fairly happy and pleasant to chat to over the course of the night... Usually.

My Staff Party

2007-05-09T12:58:00.000Z

There are 2 types of staff party.

1) The staff party where all staff are invited
2) The staff party where one member of staff invites all his family and friends to stay at the hotel (usually due to a wedding/christening/funeral)

I dislike both, but especially the family and friends party. This is because only 'back-of-house' staff are allowed to have family and friends parties. Most 'back-of-house' staff are unable to empathise with serving staff, and are unaware of the 'front-of-house' rules.

You would have thought that as most guests can work out what they are and they are not allowed to do, staff guests should be able to as well - You would be wrong.

At the last staff party the guests:

1) Smoked in our no smoking room - When asked to stop they would... and would then light up again as soon as we left

2) Complained about slow service - There was a wedding on as well and I was attempting to serve 80 people at a drinks reception

3) Snuck into the wedding party and started to eat the buffet

4) Ordered Dominoes to the bar

5) Waited till the bar was unattended, then walked in and started pouring drinks themselves

6) Let their children run everywhere, free of supervision throughout the hotel

7) Kept me in the bar till 4am, then decided it was time to go to bed and left without even saying thank you - They didn't tip me either

Additionally, when we went round afterwards to clean up we discovered that as there were no ashtrays in the no smoking room they had been putting their cigarettes/cigars out on the carpet.

The member of staff who was throwing this party, hid for most of it, keeping his head down and trying to interact with the rest of the staff as little as possible. In the meantime, he let his guests get away with everything. Whenever we corrected them, they just replied that he'd said it was okay.

What I don't understand is how this member of staff has not been banned from having staff parties. This happens every time...

My Outrageous Guests

2007-05-04T23:02:00.000Z

Tonight, I had the worst guests I think I've ever served. This is due to a combination of things they did/said, and then culminating in the absolute worst thing I've ever seen done by a guest.

The guests were a couple and were middle-aged.

They started off by not listening to me, which I just find rude...

(The woman began...)

She had been drinking port all night and had been mixing it with coke. I'd been giving her the port in port glasses, which she'd been tipping into a tall glass. However, for some bizarre reason, port was incredibly popular tonight. This meant that by their third round, I had run out of port glasses.

"Are you going to mix it?"

"No, just on it's own" (damn, I was hoping to just give it to her in a tall glass).

"Sorry, I'll just need a minute so I can go find another port glass."

She looks at me like I'm stupid, and says "Don't bother, put it in any glass. I'm just gonna mix it" - I'm beginning to dislike them

They went on to yell at me...

(It was now the man's turn...)

"I'd like... blah blah blah"

"Sorry, just so you know, because of the hour I can't take cash or card payments. I can only charge to the room and to do that I'll need to see the identification that reception gave you when you checked in"

"It's 5 to!" - (I checked my watch. My manager has emptied my till 4 minutes earlier than he should have)

"I'm terribly sorry, there's nothing I can do. My manager has already emptied my till and taken it offline."

"YOU ARE PICKING THE WRONG PERSON TO ARGUE WITH!"

"Yes, Sir, as are you. I haven't done anything. The manager has taken my till, I can't do anything. If you like, I can get the manager and you can speak to him."

"NO! I'M GOING TO YELL AT YOU!" - I'm past dislike, I now hate these guests

They then showed what kind of people they really were...

I had been serving them for several hours, and had noticed a strange egg-shaped object on the table in front of them. When I went to clear glasses, I got a better look at it. It looked kind of like a baby monitor. When I cleared glasses a second time, I got an even better look and was able to read it. It WAS a baby monitor.

I went and checked with reception - There are no guests staying in the hotel with babies

I then went and listened to their conversation - They were definitely not guests at the hotel, but they lived locally.

So, in summary, they have gone out to have a drink, have decided to pay extortionate hotel prices for these drinks, and have taken out a baby monitor instead of paying for a babysitter!

What happens if the baby starts crying? How long will it take them to get home and find out what's wrong?!

When I told my flatmate about this, she asked what happens if someone attacks the baby? - Unlikely, but taken to extremes, yes! What does happen if someone attacks the baby?!

I looked up the baby monitor on the Internet when I got home to find out it's range. Even if they lived next door to the hotel, there's no way it would work.

In my opinion, people like this should not be allowed to raise children.

I'd really like feedback on this, so if you're reading please do post a comment. Am I overreacting?

Additionally, I read a similar post on 'Barista Brat's' blog. I can't believe I read her post and then had this happen so soon after.

My Time Out of Uniform

2007-05-03T01:23:00.000Z

Inspired by 'Al's' post on his blog 'Life On A Roll of Film' about being recognised outside of work, I decided to write about my time out of uniform.

When at work, I dress VERY smartly. The uniform is incredibly formal and neat. Outside of work, I dress much more simply. However, during one night's stay at the hotel people spend on average between 2-3 hours in the bar. This means that I do not have to be seen in my uniform for people to recognise me. They've spent several hours either talking to me and/or being in close proximity to me! - Though, occasionally they will have been so drunk that they cannot remember this, and if I greet them in the street they look a bit puzzled.

If someone is very drunk, and I refuse to serve them, they tend to yell at me - This doesn't bother me

If someone realises I don't care about being yelled at, and I'm not going to change my mind about serving them, they will occasionally ask to see my manager - This also doesn't bother me

If someone yells at me, asks to see my manager, and he also tells them they're too drunk to be served and if they don't calm down he'll escort them out of the hotel, people tend to get the message and go to bed - This makes me happy

If I then see the guest in town the next day, and they're sober, I cross the street and hope they don't see me - At work, I'm paid for the privilege of being yelled at by drunken idiots. In my personal time, I just don't need it.

Thankfully, most guests are sensible enough to realise this, and having sobered up can see I was just doing my job. Some are so ashamed about their behaviour the night before, they'll cross the road before I can and avoid me. Some just scowl at me.

However, there can be positives to being recognised outside of work. I wandered into a restaurant with my flatmate and bumped into an American couple who stay at the hotel frequently and spend most of their time in the bar, usually chatting to me quite extensively. They bought me lunch!

Another couple went out of their way to invite me out with them, asking me while I was working what days I was free and where I'd like to go. Again, free meal! - Bearing in mind I once spent a week living off 8p basics noodles from Sainsbury's to save money, a free meal is a godsend...

My Games

2007-05-01T21:25:00.000Z

On certain days, you can expect to serve virtually no guests. Sundays are typically dead, and Mondays are usually fairly quiet as well (in my post 'My Night of Boredom', I mentioned I'd spent 6 hours on bar and served no one. That was a Sunday night). It is a challenge to keep myself entertained on these nights. This is largely due to a sign in the staff area that says "Staff are not allowed to play games and/or read on bar!"

With that in mind, these are the games I play!

Builder - The idea is to construct furniture out of whatever you can find on bar - usually corks and toothpicks

Origami - Self explanatory, though I can only make a 'crane' and a 'hopping frog'

Monkey - Get guests to mimic you as often as you can, without them realising - This is actually fairly simple, as long as it's done casually. For example, it is easy to make guests call me, Sir, and thank me for my service. I've also found that guests will often repeat the greeting you aim at them; 'Good Evening' results in 'Good Evening' even if said at 9am, and some will even go so far as to mirror 'How'do!'

Story - Make up criminal back stories for guests drinking in the bar (this is taken from the pub scene in 'Shaun of the Dead') - Unfortunately, requires 2 players

Tiddly-Drinks - Put two drinks that will be identical, and involve adding soda water, next to each other on the bar. After adding the spirits, attempt to 'leapfrog' one measure to the other's glass using a high pressure burst from the soda syphon - Can get messy; should only be played with an amiable guest

And my most recent addition,

Anagram - Pick a wine at random off the wine list and jumble its letters. Then see how many words you can make from that selection

e.g. Clarendon

Alone Cad Can Cane Caned Canoe Canned Car Care Cared Clad Clan Clean Clear Clone Cloned Coal Cod Code Con Cone Conned Cord Core Crane Dale Dance Dancer Dane Dare Deal Den Don Done Lad Laden Lance Land Lane Lead Led Lend Lone Lord Lore Near Nod Node Nor Ocean Ode Once Oracle Oral Ore Race Raced Ran Read Real Red Rod Rode Role

(If I have missed any, please feel free to add them!)

My Clocking Off Routine

2007-05-01T05:44:00.000Z

Skimming through people's blogs, I came across 'Tesco Sales Assistant's and read her most recent post. I got to the third paragraph, and noticed the bit about recognising the regulars/regular types. What particularly caught my eye was, "I know pretty much... who the weirdos are". The word, 'weirdos', made me think of how I end my night after a shift at the hotel.

My Clocking Off Routine

Having handed over my duties to the night manager and put my time card through the clock, 'officially' clocking off, I head home. When I get home, I analyse my fridge and inevitably remind myself that both my flatmate and I are useless at planning ahead. Whenever we go shopping, we only ever buy enough food for that evening (I have tried desperately to break this habit, but to no avail).

I am now left with 2 choices:

1) Attempt to make something out of whatever leftovers/canned food I can find
2) Drive to the only store open at this time - bearing in mind I finish on average between 2 and 4am, this limits my options significantly

When taking into account that I can go without food for the evening, but I cannot go without a large drink (settles me nicely after dealing with irritating customers, and also helps me sleep), if there is plenty of food but no alcohol, option 1 gets dismissed instantly.

Option 2 underway, I will head to Tesco.

I am usually so tired when I finish my shift, I have not bothered to change out of my uniform. As a hotel barman, I am VERY smartly dressed by bar standards (I once got asked by a check-out girl if I was on my way to a dinner party).

Whilst I can cook, again my tiredness will get the best of me. This means that I will always buy simple meals, as well as my alcohol.

However, as I can never shop ahead, I visit Tesco about 4 times a week... always between 2 and 4am.

In summary, I am a very smartly dressed young man, who buys simple meals and alcohol, comes in 4 times a week, always at ungodly hours.

The night shift staff have now come to recognise me and we exchange pleasantries. One night when I came in, the security guard remarked I was in later than usual, and I explained my occupation and its variable hours.

"Ah!" he exclaimed. "THAT explains it!" Word got around quickly, and now everyone asks me how my shift on bar was.

I think I may be a Tesco weirdo...

My Closing Time

2007-04-28T13:14:00.000Z

First off, I'd like to apologise to 'Pizza Hut Team Member'. He received a negative comment to one of his posts and defended himself. However, I think the negative remark may actually have been directed at the comment I had posted, so I felt I should explain in more detail.

Closing Time.

As mentioned in one of my first posts, we don't have one at the hotel. However, after a certain time, if it's quiet enough, the night manager will relieve me and I can go home. This means locking up the bar and putting the shutters down. This is the usual closing procedure. There is another closing time though, and that is when both the night manager and I have had enough.

Times when I've had enough:

1) When the people left in the bar are so drunk, it would not just be illegal, but also irresponsible to serve them

2) When the people left in the bar are being incredibly rude - insulting me every time I try to serve them, yelling insults at me when I'm trying to get on with other parts of my job, etc.

3) When I'm having things thrown at me - I have to try very hard to keep my cool at this. In my opinion, this should never happen

And, one I feel bad about as the guests in the bar have done nothing wrong,

4) When we have a busy day following and if I don't start cleaning glasses as fast as I can we won't have any - it's always embarrassing serving whiskey in a wine glass

In my comment on 'Pizza Hut Team Members' post, I was referring to putting the shutters down in front of guests during 'Times 2&3'. I did not make this clear, and I should have. With that in mind...

It is immensely satisfying putting the shutters down in front of guests who are irritating.

Additionally, if you lose customers through doing this, they are generally the type of customer you want to lose.

My Coupon

2007-04-27T03:29:00.000Z

I read 'Lobster Boy's' blog recently, and it set me thinking about coupons.

In theory, I have nothing against coupons. I can understand the marketing strategy behind them. I quite enjoy using them as I like getting products at a cheaper price than they would otherwise be. I don't even mind taking them, assuming the person understands the coupon and isn't going to argue with me about what it entitles them to. As far as tips go, in my experience coupon-users tip less than other guests. I think this is because they are only in the hotel because they're getting something for free, so will be looking to spend as little as possible. A tip is not necessary, therefore not given.

What does annoy me, is when a guest hands me a coupon, and I have absolutely no idea what it is. This is not because the guest has scribbled on it, or made notes, or covered it in some sticky substance. This is because the clever person in marketing who arranged for the coupons to be distributed, didn't feel that the people who would actually have to deal with them should be told about them.

I have never once been told about a coupon promotion currently running. Thankfully, I don't receive coupons very often. However, every time I have I have had to smile politely to the guest, and then excuse myself, either ducking into the back room to look the card over and attempt to work out their bill myself or running to reception to demand someone explain it to me.

Reception staff are not told either.

If neither of us can work it out, reception will then call our marketing department and request an explanation. We'll be told we're idiots, but after an unnecessary amount of verbal abuse we we will eventually have the promotion explained to us. I then have to walk back to the bar, apologise to the customers for keeping them waiting, and prepare their bill for them. Once they have left, I can assess the bar and see just how far behind I now am due to the time it's taken me to give one guest a bill. If it's the evening not a problem, but during a lunch time rush a 5 minute delay could later cost me 20 minutes of catch-up.

Conclusion:

Coupons = Good
Marketing Staff = Idiots

My Night of Fear

2007-04-25T15:25:00.000Z

A guest once came in and was sitting at the bar, telling me about her hotel back in Dublin. She was the front office manager, and one morning had been called to a room by a housekeeper because the lady was 'sleeping' and she couldn't wake her up. The lady had been dead for several hours.

The night manager told me that in the time he's worked at the hotel he can recall two deaths, one of which he was on duty during.

My night of fear was the result of one elderly guest.

He'd come in early in the day and had ordered a pint of bitter from me. He was a typical 'gent' as I like to think of them. At a guess, I'd say he was in his 70s, spoke politely, and if asked would tell you all about his life, including as many pointless details as he could remember.

At the end of the night, I noticed he was sitting in one of the corners, and was very, very still. Having called out to him to ask him if he wanted another drink, and receiving no reply, I walked over to his table. Bending down to eye level, I reached forward and gripped his shoulder. He woke up with a start, and took a swing at me.

The night manager has since taught me the 'sleeper' procedure.

'Sleepers' are people who may have died in the bar, but it is much more likely they're just asleep.

Step 1) Call out to the guest

Step 2) Make a loud noise nearby the guest

Step 3) Reach out and grip the guest by the shoulder.

When carrying out 'Step 3', stand behind the guest. Most sleepers will wake up suddenly, and some will strike out as they do. They are however, much less likely to strike out behind them. In addition, grip them tightly by the shoulder. This stops them from leaping up and potentially knocking over a table.

Most sleepers are elderly. This I find particularly irritating, because they are the ones most likely to actually be dead.

I'm beginning to hate the elderly.

My Freebie

2007-04-23T02:42:00.000Z

Having read 'barista brat's' and 'Pizzas Hut Team Member's' blogs, I felt I should discuss freebies. Working at the hotel, you would think that it is an expensive and formal enough of an establishment that people would not even try to persuade me to give them free drinks.

You would be wrong.

I have had people lick the bar when spirits have spilt on it.
I have had people attempt to sign other people's names so that they can charge drinks to their room.
I have had people sign their own names wrong so that when they check out they can claim that the signature isn't theirs and they didn't have the drinks signed for.

The following are regular requests:

Guest: Come on, there's so little left in that bottle, you may as well just pour it in.
Me: Sorry, sir, but I have another bottle in the cellar and when I need to do another shot I'll top it up with the spare. I can't give spirits away for free.

Guest: If I order 3 glasses of wine, can you charge me the price of the bottle instead of the cost of the glasses?
Me: I'm afraid not, sir. (the difference is about 5p)

When topping up a measure with a new bottle of spirit:

Guest: You can't mix that! I should have the unfinished measure for free and only pay for a complete measure from the new bottle.
Me: Sir, it makes absolutely no difference. You cannot have a free measure.

When ordering food:

Guest: If I order the caesar salad, but don't want any dressing, is it cheaper?
Me: I'm afraid not, sir, no.

I once left a bottle of vodka on the bar and turned my back on a guest to get a slice of lemon. He poured the shot I'd poured into his drink and refilled the measure.

Guest: You forgot to pour the shot into my drink.
Me: Oh? I'm terribly sorry, sir.

He went away quite pleased with himself for getting a free shot, unaware that I'd charged him for a double.

And my most unbelievable to date:

A guest walked into the bar and dumped his change in front of me.

Guest: I'll have a pint of lager, please.
Me: I'm sorry, sir, but you haven't got enough money to afford a pint of lager.
Guest: Oh, what can I afford?
Me: I could give you a half pint if you like?
Guest: Oh... Can't you just give me a pint and make the rest up from your tips?

I was not amused, to say the least.

My Desires

2007-04-18T21:00:00.001Z

Having worked at the hotel for a while now, I have compiled a list of things I wish I could do, but sadly cannot.

1) To turn around to a customer when he insults me and be able to insult him back (I have kept this in so long that if I ever did, I'd end up unleashing a tirade of abuse that would probably span a solid 10 minutes and contain every profanity I know)

2) To be able to throw back at customers the objects that they throw at me (the largest to date is a bottle - bear in mind this is a hotel bar, and in my opinion this should not happen at all)

3) To collapse behind bar (I'm of the opinion that no one would notice until someone in administration glanced at the security cameras, either by chance or because a guest rang reception from the phone on the bar to demand service - I am not the only one who is of this opinion, I'd just like to test it)

Those are the sensible ones - I have others...

4) To be able to mute guests (I've heard every complaint before and every story they'd like to tell. I DON'T CARE. I DON'T CARE that drinks are expensive - You're in a hotel, not a bar! I DON'T CARE that there's nothing open in town at 3am - What do you expect me to do about it?! I DON'T CARE that you're horny, I am not going to try to arrange a prostitute for you! I DON'T CARE!

5) To be able to make all female guests appear young and beautiful (sorry, but if I have to listen to crappy stories, I could at least have something nice to look at)

6) To be able to turn myself invisible

(This has several applications)

a) When the bar is quiet and guests sit at the bar and force me to talk to them - I have to stay on bar, but it would stop them from talking to me. Don't get me wrong, sometimes talking to guests is nice, but sometimes I'm really just not in the mood.

b) I'd be able to see what guests do when they think no one's watching. I'm convinced some of them try to either steal things or get 'busy'.

7) To be able to skip time - Come on, this needs no explanation.

8) To be able to selectively remove my sense of smell (my boss stinks. Really reeks. An odd mix of body odour, sweat, and fast food. One of the temp. staff actually nicknamed him 'Mister Stinky'. It's unbearable spending any amount of time with him.

There are others, but these are the main ones...

My Signatures

2007-04-17T23:45:00.000Z

When I was younger, my signature was very, very basic, just my name written neatly. When I got a bit older, I curled a few of the letters, and after a little while I began to underline it. My signature stayed like that for years, until I decided it looked like a child had written it (hardly a surprise as I was a child when I first wrote it and it went unchanged). My signature suddenly changed into a scribble, that was essentially my name written quickly, slanted (kind of like in italics), and written with very little space between the letters. I felt this was missing something, so again underlined it.

My mum saw it one day and told me that you can tell a lot about someone from how they sign their name. When I asked her what mine told her about me, she replied:

"You're proud of your name, that's why you write every letter. However, you also don't want people to know who you are; that's why you write it so that it's illegible. Oh, and your attempt at underlining it; because you in fact cross out part of your name when underlining, suggests that you have low self-esteem and actually hate yourself."

Thank you mum.

Though it did set me thinking. I see, on average, 20 signatures a day. On busy days, I may see upward of 30. Some are actually quite interesting.

With the limited knowledge I have based on what my mum's told me, if I am given a signature where the person has written their full name and it's legible, I know that they are proud and want people to know who they are. If their signature is just a few letters, then I know they don't want to give too much away about themselves (or potentially hate their name).

Oh, and of course, if someone writes their name then scribbles over it they must hate themselves (again, my thanks go out to my mum)

One of the most interesting signatures I have seen though, was from a 40-50 year old guest at the hotel. Based on her appearance and how she spoke, I'd guess that she was upper-middle class, fairly wealthy, and the type of person who would do yoga classes in their spare time.

She began by writing her first name, Cynthia I think, very neatly in a curled artistic hand. It was delicately done and she wrote slowly and carefully. You could read every letter perfectly.

She then wrote her last name. I have no idea what it was. She wrote it quickly and aggressively, with each character spiked and completely illegible. She then underlined her name. The line went straight through her last name, yet managed to get under her first name just in time.

I'd say she was divorced.

My Night of Boredom

2007-04-17T20:18:00.000Z

When I get home from work, the first thing my flatmate always asks me is "Busy night?"

However, the reply is fairly ambiguous.

"Yeah, busy" - Can mean I was rushed off my feet, and I'm knackered. All I want to do is collapse in a heap and get a large drink inside me. It can also mean, I had a constant stream of people, and didn't have long dull periods where I got bored.

"Nope, quiet night" - Can mean it was a nice, hassle free night. I was able to give good service to the few guests I had, and didn't have to rush and stress myself. However, it can mean I did nothing for a large amount of the time, and gently felt my mind turn into mush as it moved through the various stages of boredom.

On one occasion, I came in and replied "Dead."

"What, really quiet?"

"No, DEAD. Absolutely D E A D."

I then went on to explain that an hour into my shift, I served my last guest. I was then stuck on bar for another 6 hours without another guest coming up to the bar. At first it was nice, then it was just dull. Really, really dull.

I became a waiter in the restaurant for an hour or so, just so I'd have something to do.
I then became a porter at reception, taking guests' luggage up to their rooms.
I then became a maintenance man, explaining to guests how to work their showers and attempting to repair towel rails.

I then came back onto bar, and made a small display stand out of corks and toothpicks.
I then used this to display a cork.
I then stacked coasters into a small hut, before taking apart one of the coasters and gently turning it into a helix, which I hung from a coat hook.
I then explored one of the cupboards under the bar and discovered an induction to health and safety for the hotel, caked in dust, written in the 70s, and not actually belonging to our hotel chain.
I then researched the manual and found that the hotel chain that distributed it owned the hotel 4/5 owners back.
I then decided to write a short story, about a small sausage who lived in an igloo with his best friend, a slice of streaky bacon, who was also his dad (by the time my night ended, this short story spanned 8 order sheets. When my flatmate was presented with it to read, which took 5 minutes, I was informed that it was mostly gibberish, interspersed with minor insanity).

Having read my short story, I was handed a large drink, and put to bed. It's strange what the mind will do when allowed to roam free...

My Fault

2007-04-16T17:48:00.000Z

Every week, we have new stock delivered.

Every week, the day before new stock is delivered, we have run out of something.

Every week, the day before new stock is delivered, and we have run out of something, a guest blames me.

I am not in charge of ordering stock.

I am not even that high up the chain of command. I am in fact on the bottom rung, above only the people I am given to train.

Yet, whenever we don't have someone's drink in stock, it's my fault. I have had guests sigh, laugh, walk away, insult me, and even ask to speak to my manager. I don't see the point in asking to see my manager, as instead of asking him why he's too useless to order enough stock to last a week, they just want to ask him for their drink.

To me, this implies that they either:-

a) Think I'm lying
b) Think I'm deliberately being unhelpful

To their defence however, if I went into a bar and found that they had run out of Coke, I'd be annoyed. Yet, when we ran out of Coke, we had 8 crates of Diet Coke delivered the next day...

So, if a bar doesn't have the drink you want in stock, don't blame the bar staff. For one thing, it's not their fault. Also, they won't care and you're just wasting your time. And theirs.

My Stance on Prostitutes

2007-04-12T20:26:00.000Z

It seems to be happening more and more... or maybe I'm just becoming more observant.

Whatever the reason, I am beginning to see more and more prostitutes.

It can be little things that give them away; a furtive exploratory glance that someone gives as they walk a lady to their room, as if trying to see if there's anyone they know so they can backtrack quickly and avoid embarrassment.

Sometimes, it is quite blatant signs that highlight a woman's profession; coming into the hotel late at night and asking directions to a room, wearing stockings, thigh high boots, and a gaudy handbag (sounds cliched, but I've seen it too many times to deny). Oh, and the confirmation being when she leaves again 30-50 minutes later and climbs into a large silver Mercedes that I've seen quite a lot, strangely, always picking up women from outside the hotel.

One of the stranger signs for 'detecting' them, is when they accompany Japanese men. For starters, they look out-of-place walking alongside a Japanese businessman as they enter the hotel... especially as he's holding her hand. He'll even walk her out an hour or so later... still holding her hand.

Maybe it's because I'm the barman, or maybe I look quite 'well-travelled', but apparently I am expected to keep a directory behind bar so that I can arrange ladies for guests at short notice. I have been asked by numerous guests how much it would cost to arrange a visitor to their room. I have even been asked who I would recommend!

Personally, I don't mind if guests bring prostitutes back to their room. I don't mind if they sit and have a drink in the bar beforehand (the lady usually looks a bit uncomfortable, though one advertised herself to me while the guest went to the toilet). I don't even mind it when I have to drive to a petrol station after I finish to pick up condoms for a guest who's expecting company and forgotten one small detail (usually I get tipped handsomely for this).

What I do mind, is when guests attempt to begin their 'transaction' whilst still in the bar (the ladies don't tend to like it either). I don't particularly like it when it is painfully obvious to everyone in the bar what the lady's profession is (it looks like I'm encouraging it).

One thing that puzzles me though. I have never been asked to arrange for a young man to visit a lady's room. I wonder if any of the female bar staff have?

My Training

2007-04-08T09:59:00.000Z

I was recently given the task of training a new barman. I was told the guy had bar experience, so it should just be an induction, familiarising him with the specific way we did things. As a hotel bar, we are expected to do table service, serve to core standards, take care of room service, and of course, stay open 24 hours. This shouldn't actually take long to explain to someone with bar experience. It didn't even take that long to train a girl who had no experience. Within a week she was doing shifts on her own.

What I wasn't told was that the bar experience the guy had, was 4 years out of date...

... and he was an idiot.

This may sound harsh, but he has now had 5 weeks of training and still cannot:-

1) Cut fruit properly

2) Remember which fruit goes in which drink

3) Change a keg

4) Change a gas canister

5) Remember to carry a tray at all times

6) Remember how to properly address guests

7) Remember to NOT answer his phone on bar

And possibly the most impressive...

8) Remember that when he locks up, he should actually LOCK UP, not just close the shutters

My Job Description, and My Job Reality

2007-03-30T14:05:00.000Z

I've found that the job I signed up for is not the job I actually perform. My 'Job Description' is a somewhat limiting ideal, whereas the reality is a tacked on mess of additional jobs that weren't described to me at all.

Job Description

1) To cater to guests and non-residents in the bar and lounge area, providing both food, drink and table service up to the hour of 11pm, where service will cease for non-residents.

Job Reality

1) Serve drunken idiots up to 11pm, then argue with drunken idiots and expel a third of them.

2) Provide room service when the waiter assigned to room service has disappeared mysteriously.

3) Recite the wine list to guests over the phone, as reception cannot pronounce half of them.

(After 11pm)

4) Take over catering functions in the kitchen, providing simple food for guests.

5) Provide directions over the phone to guests travelling to the hotel, as the receptionists don't drive and have no sense of direction.

6) Take over maintenance functions throughout the hotel, as the maintenance man has left and most guests can't work out how to get the radiators/air conditioners/internet/toilets/showers to work.

7) Provide a 'carry-to-room' service for guests unable to find their way on their own.

8) Clean away any vomit left by guests on the steps of the hotel.

My Stages of the Night

2007-03-29T23:30:00.001Z

Strangely regular as it is, over the course of a night I will, as a standard, go through plottable stages. These stages can be summarised as follows:-

Stage 1

I've had a drink in the pub before I come in. I'm nicely relaxed and positively eager to hear all the boring tales that guests want to tell.

Stage 2

My buzz is wearing off. I'm still smiling at guests, but it's forced. I've begun to check my watch.

Stage 3

My buzz is completely gone. I've usually dealt with at least one annoying guest and I'm not smiling unless a guest is right in front of me. I'm checking my watch every 20 minutes.

Stage 4

I'm irritable. I'm hungry. I'm getting tired. I barely smile. Guests are getting increasingly drunk and my polite demeanor is fading fast. I'm checking my watch every 15 minutes.

Stage 5

I'm bored. I'm stressed. I'm starving. I've cleaned the bar in preparation for going home. I've started to gently despise all guests who remain in the bar. I'm checking my watch every 10 minutes.

Stage 6 (usually achieved only if guests remain in the bar past 3am)

I hate everyone. I'm gruff and have a slight scowl on my face when guests ask me for things, confident that they're so drunk they either won't notice, won't care, or won't remember. I've begun coming up with strange games to pass the time. I've already created a miniature version of myself, made out of corks and toothpicks. I've made some origami cranes and they're hidden under the bar, where only I can see, saluting me. I'm checking my watch every 3 minutes.

Stage 6 is usually the final stage. I've only achieved the rare 'Stage 7', when I was on shift for 15 hours.

Stage 7

I'm exhausted. I'm starting to see things that aren't there. The hotel is making strange noises at me. I can't quite remember what I've done and what I haven't. There are gaps in my memory. The morning day shift receptionists have come in, as well as the breakfast chefs. Their chirpy attitudes are freaking me out. I think they're trying to gang up on me. I'm going to die in this place.

My Strange Requests

2007-03-28T13:41:00.000Z

Below are some of the odd/idiotic things that guests have asked me to do for them. My surprise may explain my occasionally 'less-than-professional' replies.

Guest: So, I need to show you proof that I'm staying in the hotel before you'll serve me, and I can get this proof from reception?
Me: Yes, sir.
Guest: Can't you go get it for me?
Me: You want me to go to reception, prove I'm you, so I can get proof that you're staying in the hotel, so you can prove it to me?

Guest: So at this time, the kitchen's closed and I can only get cold sandwiches, yes?
Me: That's correct, sir.
Guest: Could you toast it for me?
Me: No, sir. A toastie is not a cold sandwich.
Guest: What about some chips?
Me: Sorry, sir, but that's not a cold sandwich either.
Guest: Oh, alright fine, I'll just have a pizza then.
Me: .....um..... No... You won't. How about a cold sandwich? Ham? Cheese?

Guest: If I order a room service from you, will you deliver it?
Me: At this time of the night, it is me who does the room service deliveries, yes.
Guest: So I can get you to come up to my room?
Me: ...Uh.... yes?
Guest: Wow! Don't worry, my husband won't mind.
Me: ....!

Guest: I'd like a bottle of your finest champagne and a woman.
Me: Excuse me?!
Guest: Just send her to Room 120 when you've got the champagne ready.
Me: Um, sir, the champagne I can do, the woman I don't think I can.
Guest: If it makes it easier, I don't care if she's got teeth or not.
Me: .......?!

I once watched a female co-worker have this discussion with a guest:

Guest: I'll give you £150 tip, if you like.

Her: No, sir, you don't need to tip me that much.

Guest: Okay, how about I give you £300 if you have a chat with me after you finish? No, wait! Double it! I'll give you £600 for a chat!

Her: But we're chatting now! It's free!

My Regular Annoyances

2007-03-27T22:33:00.000Z

The following are common requests/statements from guests. As a one-off, you'd tolerate them. As a constant stream, they just get really irritating.

Requests:

1) To keep the bar open, even though you called last orders 30 minutes ago and they ignored you.

2) For a glass of wine, giving no details as to measure, type of grape, or even red/white.

3) For a glass of the wine they had yesterday, despite the fact that it wasn't you who served them.

4) For 20 or so drinks, all reeled off in a list, which they expect you to remember.

5) For a detailed explanation of all the drinks you serve so they can make up their mind, even though it's a very busy period and they've just been standing at the bar for 15 minutes.

Statements:

1) "Don't you know who I am?!" - When asked for proof that they're staying in the hotel.

2) "Don't you f*cking tell me what to do, you tw*t!" - When you've asked them to stop swearing in the bar (usually around 3pm when there are children present)

3) "You really enjoy this, don't you?! You're nothing but a jobsworth, you total nob!" - When you've refused to serve them for being drunk.

My Mystery Guest Surprise

2007-03-25T17:48:00.000Z

When you have Mystery Guests, you're slightly on edge. Your supervisor's inevitably near by, you're aware that everything you do is being noted down, and you're also vaguely aware of the fact that when everything has been noted down it's going to be given to your boss, and he may end up 'unhappy' with you. This may hopefully explain why I did what I did on a particular evening when Mystery Guests were staying with us...

We'd already identified who the Mystery Guests were, and they were sitting in the bar at a back table. I was already slightly stressed as they'd asked me for drinks that were out of stock, and I knew I'd lose a point for that right off the bat. Also in the bar was a large group of American businessmen, one of whom had spent the entire night complaining to me about our house wine selection, before selecting from the wine list a non-house red wine that I'd had to go down to the cellar for. They'd been in the bar since 6pm, and had been drinking whiskey non-stop.

Walking over to their table with the bottle of wine and four glasses, I was presented with a recurring problem; people sitting in large groups are almost always completely oblivious to their surroundings, focusing intently on themselves. This means that as a barman, I always end up looking somewhat foolish as I lean over to put drinks down, and have to lift my leg up to counter-balance and attempt to stop myself from falling over. I end up looking like a strange cross between a waiter and a ballet dancer. On this particular occasion, I didn't fall over. The bottle of wine did fall off my tray though.

Everything slowed down as I watched the bottle fall, land on the table, knock over a couple of drinks, hit the oil lamp, and then begin to decant itself onto the 'complaining' American. However, the slowly reddening jumper of the annoyed American was the least of my concerns. The far greater concern was the small fire on the table that had erupted after the oil lamp had spilled over.

Blowing the fire out and re-setting the table took relatively little time, and I took the American to reception and we sorted out his dry-cleaning expenses. I then re-poured drinks for the group and fetched another bottle of wine from the cellar. When I had finished, I glanced round just in time to see the back of the Mystery Guests as they left the bar and headed back to their room.

Strangely, I got 88% for that performance, and was apparantly friendly, knowledgeable, and... 'entertaining'.

Mystery Guest Alert

2007-03-24T13:56:00.000Z

Mystery Guest Alert

As soon as one person utters it, it's on the lips of every staff member, and written on every notice board. It's like an airborne virus. One person detects it, and then it spreads. Within 20 minutes, managers you haven't seen for weeks appear and watch over you, surveying your area of responsibility. Some actually take over for you, gently ushering you into private staff areas where you can't be seen, and can in no way risk offending the mystery guests.

They can be detected by time of month (if you haven't had one and it's near the end of the month then chances are high), how they check in (usually couples for one night, and some actually hesitate when asked if they are staying for business or leisure), what drinks they have in the bar, and even what they ask the waitresses about at breakfast. If somehow they slip past reception the earliest warning is the bar, where we monitor what drinks people are having and attempt to seek out the Mystery Guest 'pattern'.

We are graded on certain drinks, and if a couple is hitting 2 out of 3, they are watched. The barman casually rings up to his supervisor to say he suspects an 'MG'. The supervisor hangs up without saying a word, and within minutes he's at your side. Suddenly the restaurant manager appears at bar and leaning over conspiratorially, enquires as to the whereabouts of the potential MG. Once the couple have left the bar and headed for the restaurant, the supervisor turns to you and asks how you think you did.

Once he's finished interrogating you he casually slips off, back to his office for an hour or so, returning just in time to be present for the second visit. The Mystery Guests may stay in the bar for 20 minutes, they may stay for 4 hours. Once they leave though, you can hear the hotel sigh. Every member of staff shrinks by about an inch, as they stop straining so hard to stand up straight. Their faces melt, as the forced smiles fall off them. Over the course of the night, that couple has been the focus of each and every employee. That night you go home exhausted; physically and mentally drained.

The next day, you find out from reception whether or not they were Mystery Guests. If they were, you're relieved. You have a rough idea based on your own experience as to whether you did well or not, and more importantly, you're not due another Mystery Guest for some time. If they weren't Mystery Guests, you're mildly annoyed. You worked harder than you had to, drained yourself, and didn't really achieve anything. The worst is when reception reports that "although the people in room 220 weren't Mystery Guests, the ones in 110 were."

Whoops.

My Night of Hell

2007-03-23T14:43:00.000Z

My night of hell started when I decided that to be able to afford to stay in education, and maintain my alcohol problem, I would need a job.

My second mistake that night, was deciding that I didn't want to stack shelves or work on a checkout, as I've seen the zombies that do that job and they scare me.

My third mistake, was thinking that bar work would be entertaining, give me ample time to chat up drunk girls, and provide hours that I could work my education around.

My fourth and ultimately worst mistake, was applying for bar work at a hotel.

Personally, I quite like hotels. I like that all the food is cooked for you. I like that the room gets cleaned for you. I like that they have a 24 hour bar (the 'good' ones anyway). I like that everyone's really polite to me. I like that I can get a sandwich at any time of the night.

I do not however, like being on the other side of the hotel. Dealing with chefs who are rude and treat serving staff like dirt. Explaining to a guest that we're moving them to a different room because the housekeeping staff are too stupid to realise that the previous occupant wet the bed (they're also foreign so can't understand when you try and tell them). Being polite to a guest no matter how rude they're being to me. Making five sandwiches at 4am because after 11pm, the only staff in the hotel are myself and the night manager, and he's having a coffee.

The most tedious aspect of working in a hotel bar, in comparison to a regular bar, has to be mystery guests. I can be rude to normal guests after a certain hour because, I don't care. Chances are they're being rude to me, and unless I do something exceptional, the night manager will take my side. The reason for this is that after a certain hour, the guests are drunk, there are only two staff left working in the hotel, and we don't need the hassle. I cannot do this with mystery guests.

Mystery guests take notes on everything. They're given checklists which cover how I served them, my attitude towards them, my appearance, my professionalism, my product knowledge. Whilst the night manager may be on a poor salary, and worked ungodly hours for so long he's become a bitter shell of a human being, the operations and general manager work 9-5, and they're the ones who are given the mystery guest report.

When mystery guests are in the hotel every member of staff works twice as hard, because if we don't, the respective line manager will lay into us for the rest of the week. I get home at 2am, tired, stressed, hungry, and in no mood to talk to anyone for at least a week. The act of being polite for 8 hours straight is the hardest of all.

Then I wake up at 8am to go to university.

Mystery Guests, I hate you.