Sunday, May 27, 2007

My Arabic Guests

In one of my first posts, I gave examples of some of the strange things people ask me. Some of these are due to people not listening to me, being too drunk to understand me, or just having some very odd notions about what kind of service we are willing to provide.

One group of guests managed to excel themselves, and provide me with the most trying service I've had so far. These were my arabic guests.


They were a group of 4 business men in their 40s, who spoke very little english, and were referred to me from one of the waitresses (she was Russian and it was proving impossible for the order to be taken in english).

They decided they wanted a full 3 course meal. This is a little unusual in the bar, but still feasable.


For drinks, they wanted juice - I told them they could have orange, grapefruit or pineapple. They wanted apple, and told me they'd had it for breakfast. We only serve apple juice at breakfast, but I decided it would be easier to 'borrow' the kitchen keys and get apple juice than try to explain this, so duly took the order


For starters, they wanted melon - We don't do melon. I've watched them flick through the menu for 5 minutes. At no point is melon listed. Instead, I managed to persuade them that the soup was very good.


For a main course, they wanted fish - I told them I could get them salmon or tuna. They wanted haddock. When I explained we didn't have haddock, they said...

"Oh, in that case 'Swordfish' will do"

Call me crazy, but in my opinion 'swordfish' is not common. I'd go as far as saying that 'swordfish' is somewhat of a delicacy, that you would be hard-pressed to find in mainland Britain... How is that the backup to Haddock?! I convinced them to have salmon, but ended up having a debate with them about whether brioche was a sauce, as they wanted no sauce.


For dessert, they wanted fruit - I informed them that our fruit salad was very good. They didn't want fruit salad. They wanted fresh fruit - As a hotel, we do not prepare our fruit salads from fresh fruit; we have the fruit salad delivered to us pre-prepared in a tub. Again, I decided it would be futile to argue with them, so would instead raid the kitchen supplies when I went to 'borrow' the apple juice.


When I had finished the order I emerged from the bar, almost sweating, to be greeted by a round of silent applause from 3 waitresses, who had been watching my performance. The Russian girl had spread news of these difficult guests, so the rest of the restaurant staff on shift had come to watch the struggle.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

My Exhibitionists?

As stated in a previous post, for some obscure reason after a certain time I take over maintenance duties for the hotel. I was recently sent to fix a TV in one of the rooms and think I may have the mental image for the rest of my life.


The guests had rung down to complain that their TV had no aerial and reception had assured them that they would send someone up with one. I was duly called, but explained to reception that I didn't think replacing the TV aerial would fix the problem, as the TV had been broken for 6 months. Not wanting to have to ring the guest back and inform them of their mistake, reception told me to go up and try it anyway; that way it would at least look like we tried.


Knocking twice, and receiving no reply, I let myself into the room with the master key, entering slowly and calling out on the off-chance they hadn't heard the door.

Still no reply.

Having confirmed the room was empty, I proceeded into the bedroom... walking straight in on a couple having sex doggy-style.

I rushed backwards out of the room, apologising profusely, but the guest called me back before I could leave. When I explained I was there to fix the TV, he told me to go ahead.

What followed was an awkward 5 minutes, where I tried to repair a TV I knew I couldn't fix whilst being watched by a naked couple lying in bed under a duvet. I then had to explain this to them, trying very hard not to stare.

As I was about to leave, the gentleman called me back and reeled off a list of further complaints, asking what I could do about them. This resulted in another awkward 10 minutes.

When I finally managed to leave and get back to the bar, I told the other bar staff about my 'excursion'. When she stopped laughing, she told me they might have wanted to be seen and just pretended not to hear me. She then told me about a guest who she thought deliberately dropped his bath towel in front of her.


When I got home and told my flatmate, she agreed that they were most likely exhibitionists.

a) I was called to the room, so they had to have been anticipating someone
b) I knock very loudly - ironically, to avoid walking in on people having sex
c) When I tried to leave, they kept me there to fix the TV
d) When I tried to leave again, they kept me for as long as possible listing complaints

and

e) They weren't covering themselves very well


When most guests are in the middle of something and their room service arrives, the woman tends to run and hide in the bathroom, leaving the guy to struggle into a bathrobe/a towel/his pants and answer the door.

I have been called to guests' rooms whilst the husband is either out or in the bar and the female guest has 'dropped' their towel, and I have also been chatted up in the bar in front of the husband (I DO NOT appreciate this - the last time I had to attempt to calm down a VERY angry husband).


So please, if you're staying in a hotel and are planning to either flirt with or expose yourself to the bar/room service staff...

LEAVE YOUR SPOUSE AT HOME

Friday, May 18, 2007

My Whiskey

On the bar, we have a fair range of whiskeys. We have most of the classic malts, and a large number of mixed malts.

Occasionally, someone will come up to the bar who has an extensive knowledge, but most of the people who order whiskey know absolutely nothing about it. I actually quite enjoy talking to guests who don't know anything, because I look quite intelligent (even though my knowledge base is actually quite small), can make recommendations, and usually get tipped at the end. For example, you can tell them to look for the slight taste of salt in Talisker, the chocolate in Macallan, and the marzipan in Balvenie.

I also enjoy talking to the guests with extensive knowledge, because we can have an in depth chat, I may be able to learn something, and again I usually get tipped at the end.

Sometimes however, we get a guest who is a 'connoisseur'. These are guests who think they know a lot about whiskey, but really know nothing. For example, I overheard one connoisseur telling his friends that the Laphroaig got it's peaty taste due to the altitude it was distilled at. They seemed quite impressed, though I waited until they'd left and then pointed out to him that it's actually because of the water the barley is steeped in, and the smoke of a peat fire which it is then dried in. To his credit he recovered marvellously, telling me I was wrong and to shut up. Now I wish I'd corrected him in front of his friends and watched them laugh at him.


Recently though, I was on bar when a Scottish guest came and sat down in front of me. I ended up having a fairly pleasant chat with him about the whiskeys as he told me odd little facts and insights. Additionally he practically did my job for me, as whenever a guest would come up and ask for whiskey he'd make recommendations and explain the whiskey range to them. Entertainingly, he would also minorly chastise guests who wanted to put ice in their classic malt.

I then had someone come up and ask for a double Lagavulin... with Coke.

The Scottish guest nearly had a stroke.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

My Wedding

A couple's wedding day is, for many, the single most important day of their life. There are websites dedicated to the topic that discuss it in detail, right down to what ridiculous gift you can give the happy couple.


At the hotel, we advertise ourselves heavily towards wedding parties. The reason for this is obvious; not only do we charge for setting up the catering and entertainment, but it also ensures a large number of rooms are sold, and generates a healthy income for the bar which is usually kept busy till between 3 and 7am.

However, I don't think people truly appreciate how difficult it is for us to make sure everything runs smoothly on the day.


We have to:

1) Take another bottle of champagne up to the bridal suite - the receptionist managed to send it to the wrong room (we would go and take it back, but she cannot remember where she sent it)

2) Search the housekeeper's cleaning cart - the flowers placed in the bridal suite have mysteriously disappeared right after it was cleaned (the flowers usually make it back to the room, albeit a little more travelled than they should be)

3) Drive to the nearest supermarket/petrol station - reception have forgotten to arrange for chocolates to be delivered to the room and we don't have any

4) Wash the sword that we use to cut the cake - the porter who put it away after the last wedding forgot to and it now has wedding cake dried onto it

5) Keep a close eye on the DJ - as the night has gone on it has become apparent that he's very, very drunk

6) Try to recommend music to the DJ - people not only aren't dancing, but we're starting to hear them ranting and coming up with threats to his health

7) Check at least one guest out of his room and into another under a false name - a 'disagreement' has occurred and having leapt through a hedge to escape his pursuer, he'd like to lay low for the night

8) Carry at least one guest back to their room - they're usually found passed out in the hall, sometimes wearing clothes, sometimes not

9) Deliver room service to a female guest - for some reason, they're naked when they open the door (not as common as the previous tasks, but does happen)


And, after one particularly 'unsmooth' wedding:


10) Re-lay the breakfast settings so that the bride and groom's families are on opposite sides of the room - this was mostly due to the groom standing up at 3am and announcing to his new father-in-law, "Right, I'm going to go shag your daughter"


That said, I do still enjoy weddings. Every one's celebrating so they're usually fairly happy and pleasant to chat to over the course of the night... Usually.

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

My Staff Party

There are 2 types of staff party.

1) The staff party where all staff are invited
2) The staff party where one member of staff invites all his family and friends to stay at the hotel (usually due to a wedding/christening/funeral)

I dislike both, but especially the family and friends party. This is because only 'back-of-house' staff are allowed to have family and friends parties. Most 'back-of-house' staff are unable to empathise with serving staff, and are unaware of the 'front-of-house' rules.

You would have thought that as most guests can work out what they are and they are not allowed to do, staff guests should be able to as well - You would be wrong.


At the last staff party the guests:

1) Smoked in our no smoking room - When asked to stop they would... and would then light up again as soon as we left

2) Complained about slow service - There was a wedding on as well and I was attempting to serve 80 people at a drinks reception

3) Snuck into the wedding party and started to eat the buffet

4) Ordered Dominoes to the bar

5) Waited till the bar was unattended, then walked in and started pouring drinks themselves

6) Let their children run everywhere, free of supervision throughout the hotel

7) Kept me in the bar till 4am, then decided it was time to go to bed and left without even saying thank you - They didn't tip me either

Additionally, when we went round afterwards to clean up we discovered that as there were no ashtrays in the no smoking room they had been putting their cigarettes/cigars out on the carpet.

The member of staff who was throwing this party, hid for most of it, keeping his head down and trying to interact with the rest of the staff as little as possible. In the meantime, he let his guests get away with everything. Whenever we corrected them, they just replied that he'd said it was okay.

What I don't understand is how this member of staff has not been banned from having staff parties. This happens every time...

Friday, May 4, 2007

My Outrageous Guests

Tonight, I had the worst guests I think I've ever served. This is due to a combination of things they did/said, and then culminating in the absolute worst thing I've ever seen done by a guest.


The guests were a couple and were middle-aged.


They started off by not listening to me, which I just find rude...

(The woman began...)

She had been drinking port all night and had been mixing it with coke. I'd been giving her the port in port glasses, which she'd been tipping into a tall glass. However, for some bizarre reason, port was incredibly popular tonight. This meant that by their third round, I had run out of port glasses.

"Are you going to mix it?"

"No, just on it's own" (damn, I was hoping to just give it to her in a tall glass).

"Sorry, I'll just need a minute so I can go find another port glass."

She looks at me like I'm stupid, and says "Don't bother, put it in any glass. I'm just gonna mix it" - I'm beginning to dislike them


They went on to yell at me...

(It was now the man's turn...)

"I'd like... blah blah blah"

"Sorry, just so you know, because of the hour I can't take cash or card payments. I can only charge to the room and to do that I'll need to see the identification that reception gave you when you checked in"

"It's 5 to!" - (I checked my watch. My manager has emptied my till 4 minutes earlier than he should have)

"I'm terribly sorry, there's nothing I can do. My manager has already emptied my till and taken it offline."

"YOU ARE PICKING THE WRONG PERSON TO ARGUE WITH!"

"Yes, Sir, as are you. I haven't done anything. The manager has taken my till, I can't do anything. If you like, I can get the manager and you can speak to him."

"NO! I'M GOING TO YELL AT YOU!" - I'm past dislike, I now hate these guests


They then showed what kind of people they really were...

I had been serving them for several hours, and had noticed a strange egg-shaped object on the table in front of them. When I went to clear glasses, I got a better look at it. It looked kind of like a baby monitor. When I cleared glasses a second time, I got an even better look and was able to read it. It WAS a baby monitor.

I went and checked with reception - There are no guests staying in the hotel with babies

I then went and listened to their conversation - They were definitely not guests at the hotel, but they lived locally.

So, in summary, they have gone out to have a drink, have decided to pay extortionate hotel prices for these drinks, and have taken out a baby monitor instead of paying for a babysitter!

What happens if the baby starts crying? How long will it take them to get home and find out what's wrong?!

When I told my flatmate about this, she asked what happens if someone attacks the baby? - Unlikely, but taken to extremes, yes! What does happen if someone attacks the baby?!


I looked up the baby monitor on the Internet when I got home to find out it's range. Even if they lived next door to the hotel, there's no way it would work.

In my opinion, people like this should not be allowed to raise children.

I'd really like feedback on this, so if you're reading please do post a comment. Am I overreacting?

Additionally, I read a similar post on 'Barista Brat's' blog. I can't believe I read her post and then had this happen so soon after.

Thursday, May 3, 2007

My Time Out of Uniform

Inspired by 'Al's' post on his blog 'Life On A Roll of Film' about being recognised outside of work, I decided to write about my time out of uniform.

When at work, I dress VERY smartly. The uniform is incredibly formal and neat. Outside of work, I dress much more simply. However, during one night's stay at the hotel people spend on average between 2-3 hours in the bar. This means that I do not have to be seen in my uniform for people to recognise me. They've spent several hours either talking to me and/or being in close proximity to me! - Though, occasionally they will have been so drunk that they cannot remember this, and if I greet them in the street they look a bit puzzled.


If someone is very drunk, and I refuse to serve them, they tend to yell at me - This doesn't bother me

If someone realises I don't care about being yelled at, and I'm not going to change my mind about serving them, they will occasionally ask to see my manager - This also doesn't bother me

If someone yells at me, asks to see my manager, and he also tells them they're too drunk to be served and if they don't calm down he'll escort them out of the hotel, people tend to get the message and go to bed - This makes me happy

If I then see the guest in town the next day, and they're sober, I cross the street and hope they don't see me - At work, I'm paid for the privilege of being yelled at by drunken idiots. In my personal time, I just don't need it.

Thankfully, most guests are sensible enough to realise this, and having sobered up can see I was just doing my job. Some are so ashamed about their behaviour the night before, they'll cross the road before I can and avoid me. Some just scowl at me.


However, there can be positives to being recognised outside of work. I wandered into a restaurant with my flatmate and bumped into an American couple who stay at the hotel frequently and spend most of their time in the bar, usually chatting to me quite extensively. They bought me lunch!

Another couple went out of their way to invite me out with them, asking me while I was working what days I was free and where I'd like to go. Again, free meal! - Bearing in mind I once spent a week living off 8p basics noodles from Sainsbury's to save money, a free meal is a godsend...

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

My Games

On certain days, you can expect to serve virtually no guests. Sundays are typically dead, and Mondays are usually fairly quiet as well (in my post 'My Night of Boredom', I mentioned I'd spent 6 hours on bar and served no one. That was a Sunday night). It is a challenge to keep myself entertained on these nights. This is largely due to a sign in the staff area that says "Staff are not allowed to play games and/or read on bar!"

With that in mind, these are the games I play!


Builder - The idea is to construct furniture out of whatever you can find on bar - usually corks and toothpicks


Origami - Self explanatory, though I can only make a 'crane' and a 'hopping frog'


Monkey - Get guests to mimic you as often as you can, without them realising - This is actually fairly simple, as long as it's done casually. For example, it is easy to make guests call me, Sir, and thank me for my service. I've also found that guests will often repeat the greeting you aim at them; 'Good Evening' results in 'Good Evening' even if said at 9am, and some will even go so far as to mirror 'How'do!'


Story - Make up criminal back stories for guests drinking in the bar (this is taken from the pub scene in 'Shaun of the Dead') - Unfortunately, requires 2 players


Tiddly-Drinks - Put two drinks that will be identical, and involve adding soda water, next to each other on the bar. After adding the spirits, attempt to 'leapfrog' one measure to the other's glass using a high pressure burst from the soda syphon - Can get messy; should only be played with an amiable guest



And my most recent addition,


Anagram - Pick a wine at random off the wine list and jumble its letters. Then see how many words you can make from that selection

e.g. Clarendon

Alone Cad Can Cane Caned Canoe Canned Car Care Cared Clad Clan Clean Clear Clone Cloned Coal Cod Code Con Cone Conned Cord Core Crane Dale Dance Dancer Dane Dare Deal Den Don Done Lad Laden Lance Land Lane Lead Led Lend Lone Lord Lore Near Nod Node Nor Ocean Ode Once Oracle Oral Ore Race Raced Ran Read Real Red Rod Rode Role

(If I have missed any, please feel free to add them!)

My Clocking Off Routine

Skimming through people's blogs, I came across 'Tesco Sales Assistant's and read her most recent post. I got to the third paragraph, and noticed the bit about recognising the regulars/regular types. What particularly caught my eye was, "I know pretty much... who the weirdos are". The word, 'weirdos', made me think of how I end my night after a shift at the hotel.


My Clocking Off Routine

Having handed over my duties to the night manager and put my time card through the clock, 'officially' clocking off, I head home. When I get home, I analyse my fridge and inevitably remind myself that both my flatmate and I are useless at planning ahead. Whenever we go shopping, we only ever buy enough food for that evening (I have tried desperately to break this habit, but to no avail).

I am now left with 2 choices:

1) Attempt to make something out of whatever leftovers/canned food I can find
2) Drive to the only store open at this time - bearing in mind I finish on average between 2 and 4am, this limits my options significantly

When taking into account that I can go without food for the evening, but I cannot go without a large drink (settles me nicely after dealing with irritating customers, and also helps me sleep), if there is plenty of food but no alcohol, option 1 gets dismissed instantly.


Option 2 underway, I will head to Tesco.

I am usually so tired when I finish my shift, I have not bothered to change out of my uniform. As a hotel barman, I am VERY smartly dressed by bar standards (I once got asked by a check-out girl if I was on my way to a dinner party).

Whilst I can cook, again my tiredness will get the best of me. This means that I will always buy simple meals, as well as my alcohol.

However, as I can never shop ahead, I visit Tesco about 4 times a week... always between 2 and 4am.

In summary, I am a very smartly dressed young man, who buys simple meals and alcohol, comes in 4 times a week, always at ungodly hours.

The night shift staff have now come to recognise me and we exchange pleasantries. One night when I came in, the security guard remarked I was in later than usual, and I explained my occupation and its variable hours.

"Ah!" he exclaimed. "THAT explains it!" Word got around quickly, and now everyone asks me how my shift on bar was.

I think I may be a Tesco weirdo...